Damaged Goods
by eudaemania
Summary: Because it's not like her life was perfect before her mom was murdered, and it's not like that doesn't affect her anymore. - might be triggering.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: As some of you might know, I have already written this story once, but didn't finish it. The story wasn't going where I wanted it to go, and I felt like the first 3 chapters where unnecessary so I decided to start it over.

Triggers: Eating disorders (mostly Anorexia and Bulimia but also mentions of other disorders) and self-harm, etc. If you're easily triggered I would advise to not read this story; better safe than sorry.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, blah blah blah, you know the drill (:

A/N2: (02-09-2013) I have rewritten this chapter, fixed some grammatical errors and stuff. No content/action was changed except I changed the flashbacks to 'voices' so it's not really necessary to reread it but you might want to. I did it because I think it might be more attractive to new readers and the bad grammar/some over all annoying things were bothering me, so I fixed them.

…

_**DAMAGED GOODS**_

_CHAPTER ONE_

_…_

Castle arrives at the crime scene with two cups of fresh, steaming coffee in his hands. He spots Beckett standing next to her cruiser, fumbling with her keys and purse.

''Good morning Detective!'' he cheerfully greets her as he makes his way towards her. He hands her her coffee, which she gratefully accepts.

''Thanks,'' she smiles gently.

Together they walk up to the open front door and enter the house. A young officer directs them up the stairs and into one of the bedrooms. Officers and detectives, many of who quickly make place for Beckett as they see her arrive, crowd the bedroom. The room as an eerie atmosphere and the people standing in it are just a little too quiet for Beckett's liking.

''So what have got, Lanie?'' Beckett asks as she enters the room.

''Caucasian female, 16 years old, no signs of struggle, no obvious cause of death.'' Lanie tells her in a low and quiet voice, a sad expression on her face.

Kate almost asks her why everyone is acting so damn down today but she instantly gets it as the victim catches her eye.

The girl was lying on the carpet next to her bed; long brown hair fanned around her pale, hollow face. Her hazel eyes were spread wide open, empty and clouded as if they had seen a ghost, but that wasn't the worst part. The girl was emaciated; her shirt bunched up at her bruised ribs ; showing her pointy, also bruised hip bones and inhumane yet bloated stomach. Her arms; lying awkwardly next to her body and covered with fuzzy hair, could not be compared to anything but matchsticks.

She has to take a moment to bit back a gasp and compose herself.

''Time of death?'' she eventually asks, hoping her hoarse voice wouldn't sound through.

''About 7 or 8 AM,'' Lanie answers.

Kate nods, and notices Castle coming to stand next to her. She looks at him and sees his eyes almost popping out of his head.

''Holy-'' he shakes his head. ''That's terrible. What is it with those girls today!'' he exclaims, but his face is pale in shock.

''She can't help it Castle,'' Beckett answers, almost accusingly. She crouches down next to the victim.

''Girl's name is Allison Jakeman. The parents were out for the night, came home around midnight. Her mother found her dead when she went into the room to wake her up. Little brother was home all night and he says he is absolutely sure there was no one else with her during the night or morning,'' Esposito tells them, while writing something down.

''If Alexis would ever get this skinny, I'd force her to eat fast food all day,'' Castle continues.

Beckett tries to come up with a reply, but can't think of anything that won't make her seem like she's too overprotective of the girl. And he doesn't mean it like this either, he probably just doesn't understand.

''Hey guys, I found this,'' Ryan enters the room, holding up a evidence bag containing an unlabelled box with medium sized white pills. ''Hidden in a box with tampons and girly stuff.'' He scrunches up his nose.

''Bro, why did you look in a box with tampons?'' Esposito asks, mirroring his partner's expression.

''Don't ask.'' Ryan cuts him off. ''Her parents do not recognize it; say she didn't use any medication. And obviously it was not something she was supposed to use if she hid it.'' The Irish detective then continues.

Beckett holds out her hand for the pills and takes a closer look.

''Lanie, you know these are?'' Esposito asks, pointing at the pills in Beckett's hands, who is looking at them.

''I can't be sure, I'll have to run tests in the lab but they look like…''

''Laxatives.'' Beckett interrupts her friend. ''They're laxatives,'' she then repeats a little more confidently.

''How do you know?'' Ryan questions, his brows raised but not looking at the detective while taking notes.

''Uh. Common knowledge,'' she shrugs it off.

''Okay. So she probably took an overdose and died due to intoxication,'' Esposito says, but Beckett shakes her head.

''You can't die from those, unless you take like 10 and then you'd get very sick at first and die due to malnutrition,'' Beckett speaks while walking around the room, searching for anything unusual.

''Well, isn't there a really big chance that she did actually die from malnutrition, I mean… look at the girl…'' Castle tries, carefully.

''Her parents would've noticed her getting sick and weak. She wouldn't just suddenly drop dead,'' Lanie replies while the body was put into a body bag and transported outside. ''-but we'll run tests anyway to check her levels. There is a chance, of course.''

''They don't really seem good parents to me. I mean, shouldn't they do something about the girl's situation…''

''They're probably used to her looking this way, didn't notice.'' Beckett offers.

Castle shakes his head in disbelief but lets it go.

…

Two hours later they are sitting in the interrogation room, across Allison's parents. They'd asked them to come to the precinct to ask them some more questions.

Mrs. Jakeman is still silently crying, her eyes brimmed and red and her make up running down her face.

Mr. Jakeman is just blankly staring into the space, his face white as a sheet.

''Did she have any new friends lately, or maybe got into a fight with her friends?'' Beckett asks as she arranges some files on the table in front of her.

''No, no not that I know of,'' the mother spoke while shaking her head. Her eyes were still brimmed and red from crying, while the father was just staring into the space like this was all a dream.

''Are there any friends that you don't like, or that gave you an odd feeling?'' she continues.

The woman shook her head again.

''No, she had many friends. She was popular, but there were only a few people she actually hung out with, you know what I mean? Many people considered her as a friend and from what she told me she hung out with them at school, but she only really hung out with I think three girls and some guys.''

''Did she have a boyfriend?'' Castle asks gently.

''No. I don't think so.''

''You don't _think_ so?'' Castle asks, looking confused. How could the parents not know what was going on in their daughter's life? Didn't they care about her? They seemed like nice people, but didn't seem good parents in his opinion.

''I mean from what we know she's never had one before. But she's such a pretty girl so we weren't really sure, thought she might hide it from us.''

Kate felt her partner tense up and grabbed his forearm from under the table, squeezing it softly to keep him from speaking up.

''I am sorry for having to ask you, but how about her health? We found laxatives in her room that are now being tested, were you aware that she had them?''

''No! If we knew we would've stopped her immediately.'' Mrs. Jakeman exclaims. He looks positively shocked.

''Okay. We have a team still searching her room for more drugs as we often find they are related to cases like this. Also, has she had any treatment for anorexia or any eating disorder? Has she maybe been in a clinic or had therapy?''

''No, we… how… she'd always been a bad eater, never ate much, didn't like much. She'd always been thin too, we never…'' Mr. Jakeman stammered. ''We thought she'd been eating fine…'' He then whispered, his face filled with guilt and embarrassment.

Kate bites her lip and looks down. It was rare, but she had no idea how to comfort these people. There was no turning back time, and she couldn't undo that what had happened, no matter how much she wished to.

So she runs her hand through her hair and takes a moment to get herself together.

''Okay. We will need the names and addresses of her closest friends, and you will hear from us.'' She tells the parents while standing up from her seat and releasing Castle's arm. ''Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.''

…

''How could her parents be so blind? I mean, everyone could see the girl didn't eat!'' Castle yells angrily. She's almost never seen him get so riled up about a case.

''Yeah, well, Castle not everyone is as good of a parent as you are.'' Beckett sighs as she passes him and makes her way to the murder board.

She starts writing down some newly found information while Castle sits down in his usual chair, and pulls out his phone.

He stared at it and searched through his apps but nothing seemed to be appealing, because he put it back into his pocket after about a minute or so. _Odd_. Kate thought. _He's addicted to his phone._

After she finished what she was writing, she capped she marker and sat down on the edge of one of the desks in front of the murder board.

It was still quite empty. There was a picture of Allison's face under ''victim'', pictures of the pills and the poor girl's body, and a timeline filled with only the TOD, when the parents left and came home, and found her dead.

She sighs and folds her arms in front of her. She kept staring at the pictures as if she could find out something by just staring. There wasn't much to work with right now, no suspects, and no people to interrogate at all before they would get the information about her friends. The want to bring justice to this girl's family was even bigger than usual.

…

It is when she's been staring at the evidence for over half an hour, alone, that the voice creeps in.

_(she looks good, doesn't she?)_

It shocks her good and hard for a solid five minutes, because she hasn't heard that voice in so long and although deep down she had expected it, she had hoped she would've been stronger than this.

She shakes her head. That girl doesn't look good, she looks sick as _fuck_.

_(But don't you want to look sick? Be as fragile as you feel? Shatter at the slightest touch?)_

No. I'm supposed to be strong. Reliable. Independent.

She fidgets with her fingers, tension building up in her whole body. She wants to run; punch fight; hell, puke, get the tension out. She tries to think of the case, neutral, numbers, times, evidence, but it only makes it worse and she can't break the circle.

_(but don't you remember how it feels, Kate?)_

Yes. Of course. Of course I fucking do.

_(to slide your fingers down you ribs like they're piano keys and you're an artist?)_

Her eyes have shut somewhere along the way, and maybe she's half forgotten where she is. She wants to escape the voice, get it out but it's so damn hypnotizing and it's _her_ telling her, _making her feel,_ and god she hasn't felt in so long.

…

She's startled by a big, warm hand on her shoulder.

''You okay?'' his voice sounds. ''Do you want to get out of here for a little while? The guys are staring,'' he tells her when she doesn't respond.

She stirs and quickly wipes away a single tear of frustration and fear that has somehow decided to make its way down her cheek. She hopes he hasn't seen it.

''Huh, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. Just… this case, you know,'' she says while getting up form her chair and pulling on her coat. ''I'm just gonna take a break.''

''For… for how long?'' Rick stammers, afraid that she might leave for more than a couple of weeks again.

''Just an hour or so,'' she reassures him, and she's already on the elevator.

…

Reviews and feedback are really appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

DAMAGED GOODS

CHAPTER TWO

…

She sat down on a park bench, in the middle of a park. She saw a father feeding some pigeons with his little daughter, who couldn't be older than a year or 4. Another family walked by, a woman not much older than herself holding her little girl's hand, the father walking next to them, talking to his daughter with a smile on his face.

She frowned. How come she couldn't be like that? Settle down, be happy, worry about the things that actually mattered.

Hell, she knew the answer.

A black Labrador walked by and sniffled at her legs for a short second before running away again. She smiled slightly.

But not long after that she felt her heart clench again. Fuck, she'd just cried in front of the murder board! Maybe not audible, but still. Castle had noticed and there was no way in hell that he wouldn't know something was going on, or that he was not going to ask her about it.

If she was lucky Ryan and Esposito wouldn't have noticed, but she second-guessed that too.

She was supposed to be stronger than this. She was supposed to be over this. She shouldn't get so damn emotional, she was a goddamn professional homicide for heaven's sake!

She groaned and flexed all her muscles in an attempt to let the anger out, but it only got worse. The urge to scream was overwhelming but she couldn't give in. She was a grown woman, she should have control over herself.

When she started to get cold she got up and wrapped her thin coat tighter around herself. The wind had started to blow quite a bit heavier and was blowing aggressively through her dark, thick hair.

She walked the path, along the big pond. It was getting cold outside, unlike this morning; it had been quite sunny, then.

…

Suddenly she stood in front of the precinct building again, she was shivering, she noticed. Shrugging she went back inside, it was cold outside anyway.

She looked at her watch. 4 PM. She would have to be here until at least 5 PM and she still had a stack of paperwork sitting on the edge of her desk, so she decided to go in.

She got in the elevator and went up. When she got out she was amazed by how busy and crowded the bullpen was. Eyes widening she headed towards her desk, where Castle, loyal as ever, was waiting in his chair, playing a game on his iPhone.

''Hey.'' She said as she fell back in her chair.

''Hey. You okay?'' He said looking up from his phone.

She hummed.

''Of course. Why wouldn't I?'' She asked, more as a rhetorical question.

''Well…'' he spoke, his voice a little hoarse. ''You just…''

She silenced him.

''No. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. Go play games on your phone.'' She opened up the first folder of paperwork and picked up a pen, then started filling in forms.

''Are you sure you're okay?'' He asked several minutes later. He looked so concerned, but she couldn't help but brush him off.

''Castle. I'm fine. Shut it.'' She snapped at him, instantly feeling guilty.

…

She shut the last folder and placed it onto the pile of already-finished paperwork. Then she leaned back into her chair and stretched before standing up and grabbed her jacket and pulling it on.

''I'm calling it a night.'' She said, directed at Castle who was still playing with his phone. It was late, much later than she actually should be here. the only ones left were the captain and a few rookies trying to make a good impression.

He also rose from his chair and put his phone in his pocket.

''Yeah, me too.'' He nodded.

She stuffed the last papers in her bag and turned around, Castle following her closely.

''Night.'' She murmured when they parted ways, she headed towards her car, he tried to hail a cab. They didn't linger, it was too cold and it had started to slightly rain.

''Until tomorrow, Detective.'' He said with that boyish smile of his, but it held a bit of concern. She shrugged it off.

She put her bag in the back seat of the car and took place behind the wheel. When she started the engines she noticed Castle, still standing on the side-walk, trying to hail a cab. Which probably was never going to happen in this weather and time of the day.

''Okay what the hell.'' She murmured to herself as she stopped the car as she passed the writer. She opened the window.

''You want a ride?'' She asked with a teasing smile. She ran her hand through her hair and checked her eyes in the review mirror, suddenly realizing her makeup might have ran out. It didn't, luckily.

''Oh, well thanks.'' He said, trying to sound humble but within second he was sitting next to her; in the passenger seat, running his hands through his wet hair to get it to dry a little faster.

They rode up to his loft in silence, which was kinda unusual for Castle, but she decided to enjoy it.

''Here we are.'' She then said as she parked the car in front of his apartment building and looked at him expectantly.

''Thank you for the ride, detective.'' He grinned but it had somewhat of a nervous edge to it. ''I was thinking….''

_Oh god, not again._ She thought. She remembered all the previous times one of them had spoken those words, and every time it had ended in something bad.

''Maybe you could come up to the loft? Have dinner with us?'' He asked expectantly.

_Shit._ She wanted to come up to the loft, have a nice time with him, she really did. Honestly. But after today, this case, all those flashback she doubted if she could get anything down her throat. So she shook her head.

''No. Sorry.'' She declined, not meeting his eye.

''Ah. Come on Beckett! I've seen you, you haven't eaten anything today except for half a bearclaw which you threw away after we arrived at the crime scene. I know you're hungry.'' He tried to convince her.

He shook her head again.

''No, sorry Castle. Thanks for the offer but.. I just want to go home right now.'' She said, knowing that he would now worry about her; something she'd tried to avoid all day but apparently failed.

He sagged his shoulder in defeat.

''Well, okay then. See you tomorrow?'' He asked and somehow her empty stomach turned at the way his words were spoken; questioning, as if he doubted her, as if he was afraid that she didn't want him anymore.

''Yes. Of course.'' She said with her best fake smile before he closed the door and she re-started the engines.

She waved at him as she drove away but he didn't return the gesture. He just looked and walked past the doorman, who greeted him politely.

She sighed and turned the radio up higher, trying to drown out the sound of her own ragged breathing. Ever since the shooting, since her PTSD she had been having tendencies to fall back in to her old patterns – simply because it was easier to deal with everything that way – but now, with this case, she wasn't sure if she could still fight the urges.

…

She collapsed on the couch, not even bothering to take off her leather jacket, gun and badge. She felt sick, fragile. She didn't want to be so weak, didn't want a case to define her like this – even though she knew it wasn't just the case. But most of all, she didn't want to lie to Castle.

She knew she could trust him. She wanted to trust him.

But _she_ couldn't do it. It wasn't his fault but she had never been able to share this with anyone before.

She had already let him in on the only thing worse than this in her life; her mom's murder, and even though he'd made a few mistakes she knew that telling him was not something she should regret.

She wanted to tell him, but even if she would try; she didn't have the words to explain, and no matter how sweet and understanding he was, he wouldn't understand her.

No one that hasn't lived this life would understand.

The irrational fears and shame. She guilt and the pride. He wouldn't understand.

…

It was quarter past midnight, and Kate was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. She had been in here for more than two hours already; she'd tried to go to sleep on time, but she couldn't fall asleep.

Her therapist had prescribed her some sleeping pills, but she didn't want to take them. She didn't sleep when she took those, it was more like she was in some sort of coma. Sure, it prevented exhaustion and nightmares, but it didn't feel natural.

She turned around for the umpteenth time that night and groaned in her pillow, fisting the sheets in her hands in frustration.

Finally, she gave up and pushed herself up until she was propped up on one elbow. She reached for her phone on the nightstand and unlocked it, closing her eyes for a brief second to adapt to the bright light of her phone.

She tapped on an icon and a news site appeared on her screen. She scrolled through the several topics for a while but found nothing worth reading.

She started up her twitter, which she actually never used to tweet stuff, but more to…. Check, yes check was the right word. To check Castle's tweets.

Maybe it was a little stalker-ish. But she would never admit that. Not that he knew she did it in the first place, or that he would ever know; so no harm done.

After trying to entertain herself for a while she put her phone down with a sigh. She was no Castle, even though she could do all kinds of stuff with her phone, she preferred to just use it as a call and text device. Maybe email or internet, but the rest she didn't use much.

Just when she placed it back onto her nightstand the screen lighted up. She smiled, already suspecting who the text was from.

_Hey. You asleep/okay? Do you want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?_

It said. She felt her guts clench. She didn't want to have dinner with him. She'd have to sort out her life first.

_Hey you._

She started, trying to make the rejection sound a little friendlier. She didn't want him to think it was his fault, or that she didn't want to hang out with him.

_Hey you, asleep? No. Okay? Yes. Dinner? No thank you. I can't._

It didn't take him long to reply.

_Oh okay. Are you sure?_

Came back. She groaned, why did he have to be so concerned and caring? Couldn't he just not care for a minute?

_About what?_

She replied quickly. Of course she knew what he meant, but she thought that maybe she could buy some time like this.

_Both._

_Yes._

She sent back, hoping he wouldn't take it too harshly.

_Okay._

Then her phone started ringing. Castle. She picked it up while she sat up straight.

''Hello.'' She said, trying not to let the sleep get into her voice.

''Hi.'' He said, almost shyly. ''You sound sleepy.''

I know. Weird place to end, but I decided it was time to upload a new chapter xd.

Let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER THREE

…

_Previously:_

_Then her phone started ringing. Castle. She picked it up while she sat up straight._

''_Hello.'' She said, trying not to let the sleep get into her voice. _

''_Hi.'' He said, almost shyly. ''You sound sleepy.''_

''Yeah well,'' She started, a small smile playing on her lips upon hearing her partner's voice. ''It's midnight, so that shouldn't be strange.''

''Hm.'' He said, almost absent-mindedly. ''You okay?'' He asked again.

''Yes. You already asked that.'' She replied annoyed.

''You sure? You don't sound fine, and you didn't look fine today..'' He said, probably knowing that he was on dangerous grounds.

''Castle I'm fine, will you please stop bugging me about it?'' She sighed. She didn't want to lie to him, but she didn't want to tell him the truth either.

''What's _it_?''

She groaned, burying her face into her pillow to muffle the sound.

''It, is the problem your imagination decided to give me.'' She said annoyed.

They were silent for a little while.

''I'm sorry.'' He softly spoke a few minutes later. He sounded truly sincere.

''It's okay.'' She said. ''It's…'' She gulped, then forced the words over her lips. '''.. kinda sweet actually, that you… care about me.'' She almost whispered.

She was being honest, she meant it; really.

''Always.'' He said, and she could almost see him smiling that adorable smile of his.

She couldn't help but notice how her heart would beat a little fast every time he spoke those words.

…

''Goodmorning Detective.'' Castle said cheerfully as he put a cup of coffee on her desk and took place in his chair.

''Hey Castle.'' She said, looking up at him and giving him a small smile.

She might be making a bit more effort today, but that was a good thing, right?

She picked up the cup of coffee and wrapped both hands around it; it was warm, her hands cold.

''So, no new leads yet?'' He asked, then took a sip of coffee.

She shook her head, happy and relieved that he didn't bring up last night's phone-call.

''No. Still waiting on the forensics report and addresses of her friends.''

''Yo, Beckett!'' Esposito called out while heading towards her desk, a pile of files in his hands. ''We've got the addresses of her friends.''

''Great.'' She said, eager to have something to do.

The Hispanic detective dropped one third of the files on her desk and made his way towards his own, where he started filling in his partner on the recent happenings.

She quickly scanned through the files, her eyes looking briefly at the pictures and names in the files and then stood up.

''Alright. I'm going down to the morgue first, to see if Lanie had found the cause of death yet.'' She said while grabbing her coat and purse.

…

''Hey Lanie.'' She called out while she entered the morgue, making sure she was heard before she was seen; knowing how her friend hated to be surprised down here.

''Hey girl! How're you?'' The ME answered, covering her last patient before looking up and seeing the writer who was following Kate on her heels. ''Oh you've brought writer-boy today?''

''Hm. Business now, we'll do drinks later.'' She said. ''Have you found the cause of death?'' She asked, pointing at one of the examination tables, on which a clearly smaller body was covered with a thin light blue sheet. .

She hummed and turned around, rummaging through a drawer with evidence.

''Yes. I was emptying her stomach contents –which by the way was barely anything- when I found this.'' She said, holding up a small silvery looking capsule.

She sighed when she saw the confused expressions of the detective's and writer's face.

''Cyanide pill.'' She briefly explained as she put down the pill back in the evidence bag.

''So… suicide.'' Kate concluded, but Lanie shook her head.

''I don't think so. I don't think she even knew she was swallowing it, since it was covered in remnants of laxatives.''

Kate nodded, then Castles spoke up.

''That is just plain evil; you make your enemy kill herself, without having her even noticing it!'' He explained. ''If it wasn't so cruel, it would be genius.'' He added frowning.

''Anything else?'' Beckett asked.

''Well, nothing that would be really relevant to the case I think, but the girl was in a poor condition.'' She sighed, her expression sad. ''She's very, very underweight, much of her organs were just completely ravaged by the laxatives and her hair and teeth were in poor condition too, although she masked that with cosmetic products.''

''As in…'' Castle questioned.

''Her hair was really dull and thin, but she used hair extensions and dye to mask it, and she bleached her teeth.'' She explained.

He hummed.

''Also her thighs are covered in cuts, and there are occasional scars all over the body. I will have to examine a little more to know which are self-inflicted and which are not. I think most are, though.'' She said, looking at the covered girl with pity in her eyes.

Lanie and Castle were too busy thinking about the girl to notice Beckett tense up, and maybe that just for the better.

…

Half an hour later they stood in front of the first house; Allison's parents had given up this address as Allison's best friend's. She rang the bell and waited.

After several seconds they heard footsteps coming closer, and the door opened; revealing a woman, probably in her mid-forties; tanned with long blonde curls, you could see she must've been very pretty when she was younger.

''Can I help you?'' She said as she eyed the two of them curiously. She seemed friendly.

''Miss Adams? I am Detective Beckett, NYPD and this is partner; Rick Castle. We're here to talk to your daughter, Emily?'' She told the woman, who immediately opened the door further to let them in.

''Oh god, what did she do?'' She gasped, concern evident in her eyes.

''Nothing. At least, not that we know of.'' She quickly informed the woman. ''I'm sorry to inform you, but your daughter's friend; Allison Jakeman was found dead yesterday morning.'' She said, trying to bring the message as gentle as possible, even though she knew nothing she said would make this any better.

''Oh god! Is she dead?'' A worried voice sounded while Miss. Adams put her hand over her mouth and her eyes started to tear up.

Emily suddenly appeared in the doorway, tears forming in her hazel eyes. She covered her mouth with her hand and let out a silent sob.

''Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke.'' She let out, tears now streaming down her cheeks, but upon seeing Kate's serious expression, and her badge and gun, she understood that it wasn't. ''What happened?'' She almost whispered.

The blonde woman walked up to Emily, and wrapped her arms around the girl, but she the girl shrugged her off, so she entered the living room and gestured them to go and sit.

''That's what we're trying to figure out. I'm afraid we'll have to ask you a couple of questions.'' She said while walking towards the living room where they all took place on the big leather couch.

''Allison was found dead by her mother, in her own bedroom.'' She started off, her voice soft yet clear and confident. Emily only started sobbing harder; which was quite understandable. ''She… she swallowed a cyanide pill.''

''She committed suicide? No! She would never do that!'' Emily exclaimed as she leaned forward. Her mother laid her hand on her daughter's knee in an attempt to calm her down.

Beckett shook her head.

''No. She didn't commit suicide. Someone had disguised the pill into some… other products that she used. I'm sorry to inform you, but we highly suspect that Allison was murdered.''

The girl cried some more, and Miss Adams had tears in her eyes herself.

''Emily, Miss Adams?'' She tried to get their attention. ''Do you have any idea who would want to hurt Allison?''

They both shook their heads.

''No.'' Emily spoke, her voice hoarse. ''Allison was popular at school but… just like every popular girl that meant there were also a lot of people who disliked her. But I don't think anyone would want to kill her. She didn't do anything wrong.''

''Did she act strange lately, anything out of the usual?''

Emily's eyes lit in recognition but she denied.

''No.''

After a few more questions, and no more information gathered Beckett decided to try this another way.

''Miss Adams, if it's okay with you I would like to speak with Emily alone for a few minutes.''

She nodded and stood up to leave the room.

''You too Castle.'' She said, moving her head towards the girl's mother when he frowned and pouted.

When they were both gone she grabbed Emily's hand.

''I know this is hard for you, Emily. I understand.'' She started off. ''But was there anything going on with Allison lately?''

She shrugged.

''Go on, you can tell me. It's better if you do. For you, for us and for Allison.''

''I…I think you've already noticed that she had an eating disorder, and I don't know she might be depressed too, she was never diagnosed because her _parents_,'' she almost spit out the word. ''didn't notice. She…. She was a mess.''

Kate just nodded, listening to the girl intensely.

''She never really told me, but it was obvious and a t a certain moment we just… we knew it was there, so I sometimes would point things out for her or we would talk about it. We never named it, though. It was like, when we would label it disorder or depression it would get much worse.''

She sighed and wiped a tear away.

''I would try to help her, I think I was the only one that really knew, the only one she admitted it to.'' She pulled her legs up under her body.

''Did you know about the laxatives?'' Beckett asked softly, looking the girl into her eyes.

She shrugged.

''I… I suspected it, I was ninety-nine percent sure but… just like everything else she'd never really told me. Just… I just knew and she knew that I knew.'' She sighed as she wiped away another tear from her red, rimmed eyes.

''Do you know where she got them from?''

She shook her head.

''No. But not from the right people, I can assure you that.'' Then she started sobbing harder again. ''It's probably them… who killed her.''

It took a lot for Beckett not to tear up too. It was never fun, telling people they had lost a loved one, children were even worse, but this case was the worst she'd ever had.

Too close to home and too tragic. All it made her think about right now was the way she felt when Detective Raglan had told her that her mom was never coming home again.

…

''So, anything useful?'' Castle said lightly as they walked back to her car.

She shrugged.

''I don't know, Castle. Emily knew about Allison's problems, but she didn't know who she got the pills from.'' It wasn't much information to work with. Nothing, actually.

''You seem shaken up.'' He carefully pried.

She rapidly turned her face towards him.

''What?'' She sharply asked.

''You… seem upset.'' He said, expecting to be yanked on his ears, which fortunately didn't happen.

''Well it's never fun, telling someone their friend or family member is dead.'' She answered. It was the truth, but not the _whole_ truth.

He shrugged and decided to leave her alone. _For now._

…

**Not sure how I feel about this chapter, it was hard to write because I feel like I have to build up the tension more until the ''real story'' starts, and this was mostly a filler. **

**Let me know what you think!**


	4. Chapter 4

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER FOUR

…

With a sigh she dropped her bag on the coffee table and shed herself of her black, leather jacket.

It had been a long day, exhausting day, with little to no progress.

They'd talked to Emily some more, and Ryan and Esposito went to Allison's old friend's house, only to come back with no answers, because the girl; Rebecca, kept saying that she hadn't seen Allison in more than a year, which was conflicting, since Allison's parents were convinced the two of them hung out regularly.

That could be a lead, but since no one else knew what Allison did when she pretended to be at Rebecca's they couldn't investigate any further until they at least had one other lead.

Mr. and Mrs. Jakeman had given them three more addresses, and they would go and visit them tomorrow.

After a quick debate she headed towards the shower, stripped off her clothes and turned on the hot water tap.

No candles, wine or book today.

When the tub was half full she stepped in, slowly, letting her skin adjust to the hot temperature of the water.

As soon as she sat down she sighed. She closed eyes and waited; she felt the water rise and slowly surround her body, slowly made her feel weightless and slightly lightheaded from the hot air that she breathed in.

Then when it was finally filled she turned off the tab, not noticing how slowly she was falling into a dark haze.

…

Half an hour later she was startled awake by a firm knock on the door.

She lifted her hand from the water and looked at her wrinkled fingers, realizing she must've fallen asleep.

Again, someone knocked on the door. She got up and stepped out of the bath tub, quickly drying her hair with a towel, for as far that was possible, and drying her body with it afterwards.

Then, on her way towards the door, she grabbed a fluffy, soft robe from her bedroom and threw it on.

She checked her face in the mirror and scrunched up her face. Her face was blank from makeup and her usual brown hair seemed almost black, hanging around her face in thick, wet threads.

Whatever, it wouldn't be anyone important anyways, she told herself before opening the door, revealing her partner standing there with a cheesy smile on his face.

Adorable though.

_Woah, where did that come from?_

''Uh, hey?'' She said, slightly confused by her own thoughts.

''Hey, I figured you didn't eat yet so I brought some take out.'' He said, making her stomach turn. ''Did I… interrupt something?'' He said, partly awkwardly, partly smug while eyeing her appearance.

Suddenly she felt self-conscious all over again, wishing she'd had time to put on some makeup and proper clothes before opening the door.

''No…'' She said slowly, unsure of herself and the situation.

He obviously took that as an invitation because he entered her apartment and put the bag of takeout he had in his hands on the coffee table, next to where her bag still sat.

She softly groaned and balled her fists, still facing her door.

''So I brought some Chinese, you like that right?'' He asked, while turning around.

''Uh, yeah. I don't know… I'm… I'm gonna go and get dressed if you don't mind.'' She stuttered while padding towards her bedroom.

''You don't have to on my acount.'' He said with that smug, arrogant but yet so adorable smile of his.

She ignored him and closed her bedroom door. After double checking that it was actually closed she dropped the robe and threw on a pair of black lace panties and a matching bra.

Then she grabbed a white camisole, a pair of jeans that she –after a while of debating- threw back into her closet and replaced for a pair of sweatpants, and a way too big sweatshirt.

She left her feet bare.

It wasn't sexy or even remotely close to proper, but she was tired, no scratch that, exhausted. Mentally and physically, and if Castle came here knocking on her door he'd have to deal with her looking like a mess; this was _her_ apartment.

She picked up her hairbrush and combed through her still damp hair and put it in a messy bun; not caring about how messy it would look when it would dry. She'd straighten it later.

But after she'd distracted herself with focusing on dressing, she started worrying about the man in the next room. Well, maybe not so much, more about the food in the next room, and the combination of Castle and food.

She didn't want him to see her like this; at her weakest.

She should be over this. She had been over this for more than ten years!

''Hey, are you okay in there?'' His voice then sounded through the walls of her bedroom.

She nodded, even though he couldn't see it.

''Yes.'' She called out before opening the door and walking up to him. ''Do you want a drink?'' She then asked as she entered the living room, trying to create a light mood.

''Yeah, please.'' He smiled.

''Wine?''

He nodded and she grabbed a bottle, then skillfully opened it and poured him a glass. For a moment she doubted before filling and turning on the kettle to make herself some tea.

He frowned as she put the glass in front of him.

''You're not drinking?'' He asked, and she couldn't decide whether he was being surprised or suspicious.

She shook her head and shrugged.

''Not really up to it.''

He opened the bag and took out a few boxes.

''I got you noodles with chicken and some kind of spice-y sauce. That okay?'' He asked as he handed her a box and chopsticks.

She nodded.

She was hungry. She hadn't eating all day, unless you'd count the three bites of bearclaw she'd had that morning.

After a few minutes she decided it was okay. Slowly she took a bite.

….

With a soft thump she set the still mostly full box of noodles on the table and gulped down the last of her tea.

They'd chatted their way through dinner. She'd been oddly quiet, and she could see he started to worry.

Every few minutes she'd wake up from her own thoughts and try to act a little more normal, but she constantly fell back into the haze.

'''Hey.'' He suddenly softly spoke.

She noticed he was much closer than he was a moment before, their thighs almost touching.

''Are you sure you're fine?''

''Castle will you _please_, please stop asking that? I'm _fine_.'' She snapped. She regretted it as soon as it happened, but she didn't want him to worry about her; to lie awake at night wondering what was going on. Something she'd done way too many times in her life.

He didn't reply, just nodded and turned his face away from her. Not in anger or even annoyance; just because he wanted to give her a little space, show her it was okay.

How could he put up with her? Why did he stay, no matter how far and how often she pushed him away? He was way too good for her.

''Listen Castle, I'm sorry.'' She spoke, a little later. ''I sh-''

He interrupted her, lifting his hand as a gesture.

''No it's okay.'' He said, his eyes warm.

She shook her head. She didn't want him to be like this; not because she didn't like it –because she did, maybe even a little too much- but because she knew, that if he kept doing this; the whole being patient and sweet, and understanding – thing, she would hurt him.

Unintentionally, but still.

She would hurt him, because he kept coming back. She pushed him away and every time he would come running right back to catch her when she fell, hurting himself in the process.

He might not be affected by his wounds and scars right now, but he would, eventually.

And she didn't want him to.

One part of her wanted to start a fight with him. Not because she wanted to fight with him, because she didn't –she didn't want him to be mad at her, or angry, or hurt- but because she wanted him to see the demon inside of her, to see how evil she could be, intentional or not. to let him see that he would get hurt; that she wasn't worth it.

But the other, bigger part of her, wanted to just hold him and let him hold her; tell her it would all be okay.

But how could he, if he didn't know she's allow him to put his arms around her. How could he comfort her if he didn't know what the problem was.

How could he comfort her, when he didn't know there was _a_ problem…?

''No it's not.'' She shook her head. ''I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just…-'' confused, broken, terrified, devastated, clueless of what to do, self-destructive, ''-…tired.'' She said, a hit of a sigh in her voice as she spoke with a slight, almost invisible smile on her lips.

A broken smile. A confused, scared one.

He nodded understandingly. As if he understood. Well, at least he tried. At least he _cared_.

''I guess I better go then.'' He said, his expression mimicking hers. He stood up from the couch and grabbed the empty or used boxes and chopsticks, together with the glasses and walked up to the kitchen; disposing the boxes in the container and the glasses in the sink.

She nodded, although not convinced of herself.

Slowly she rose from the comfortable chair she'd been seated in with her legs tucked under her body and her arms and upper body drowning in the oversized sweatshirt.

''Hm, leave it. I'll clean it up.'' She said, smiling weakly.

''I…-'' he started, but she laid her hand on his arm, showing him he didn't have to. She grabbed his wineglass with the other one, and put it carefully in the sink.

He looked like he was about to say something; protest, but he wisely kept his mouth shut and made his way to the door.

She grabbed his coat from the peg in the hallway and handed it to him.

''See you tomorrow?'' She said.

He nodded.

''See you tomorrow.''

With that he closed the door behind him. She'd already walked back into the room, for some reason not wanting to see him go.

She felt like she'd let him down, although the rational part of her knew she didn't.

She fumbled with the hem of her sweatshirt and feels the oh so familiar need growing in her stomach.

She hasn't felt like that in so long. Well, not really.

Old habits had returned after the shooting, possibly due to the PTSD. Possibly, because she didn't know. She couldn't ask Dr. Burke; he would surely want to talk about it.

Pf, talking about it. Like that would help.

But even though the habits, the want was back, it hadn't went that far yet. She hadn't done anything yet; just thought about it, fantasized about how it would feel to do it again; how good it would feel to be empty, weightless for just a while.

She couldn't. Right? She couldn't do this to her father, Rick, the boys, Lanie.

(Wait, did she just call him Rick? What is _wrong_ with her?)

Or maybe she could. Could she? They would never know. They didn't even know there was a problem in the first place, never knew.

So she could… right?

Suddenly she found herself tugging off her shirt and sitting on her knees in front of her toilet.

''_What the hell are you doing Kate?''_

''_C'mon, just once! You haven't done this in years, once won't hurt!''_

''_You know you won't be able to stop_.''

''_But just remember the feeling? Would you rather be full?''_

She groaned, trying to make the voices stop. She didn't even know which one was her own anymore; who was her, what was her opinion, what were her needs and wants?

She didn't know.

''_Kate, c'mon!'' _

She groaned, loudly this time. She put the palm of her hands on her forehead and pushed hard, as if to put everything back in. The thoughts, the inner battle, everything.

But she knew that these thoughts were not the worst. The worst would follow shortly.

''_Kate, stay with me, stay with me Kate. Please.''_

Suddenly she found herself holding a spare toothbrush, tears streaming down her face; she couldn't do this.

This? As in what? The thoughts, the purging, the living?

That, she didn't know either. All of it, or maybe nothing.

''_I love you, I love you Kate.'' _

His bright blue eyes, just as bright as the sky above him. Pain in her chest, heart, but she wasn't sure if it was caused by the bullet or his confession.

She should be happy, right? Having somebody who loves you should be a good thing right? Well, then why did it feel like he just told her he was going to die?

She knew why.

And that was the last straw. She shoved the toothbrush down her throat, far enough to make her gag.

Once, twice, until she was vomiting out the just consumed food.

She kept going as the thoughts kept reeling through her mind.

It hurt. But it didn't matter. It hurt in a good way.

Her insides were screaming at her to stop this, but some other force just kept her going.

Keep going until you can't anymore.

''Keep going until you're puking, fainting or dying?'' _Bullshit_. ''Keep puking until you're fainting or dying.''

Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew, that she was talking shit, talking herself into this, that she was causing it herself. But she didn't care. Kept on going.

That was, until suddenly somebody spoke.

''Beckett, are you okay?'' His worried voice sounded faintly from the living room.

Too real, almost….

As if he was…-

-here.

God. He was _here_.

**Whoops, cliffhanger! **

**Next chapter should be up soon, I've already finished most of it. **

**If you think this is too triggering, despite the warnings and the rating, I'd really appreciate it if you would let me know, since I'm kinda nervous about this. I don't want people to get triggered by my stories and hurt themselves. **_**So please don't!**_

**Reviews make me write a lot faster *wink wink***


	5. Chapter 5

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER FIVE

…

_Previously:_

''_Beckett, are you okay?'' His worried voice sounded faintly from the living room._

_Too real, almost…._

_As if he was…-_

_-here._

_God. He was _here_._

''I just came back to get my keys I-'' She heard him say.

The sound of his voice together with the realization that he was going to burst through these doors any minute now was enough for her to snap back to reality.

Her stomach, however had a different idea, and she kept vomiting even though now she tried to stop it.

How could there be so much? She hadn't eaten that much, had she? Only a little bit of Chinese and three bites of a bearclaw that she'd had way too long ago to be able to throw up.

''Beckett?'' His voice now sounded confused, maybe a little hesitant.

It was then she realized she _had_ to stop now. God knows what he would do when he would find her like this.

Her heartbeat sped up until she was sure she was going to get a cardiac arrest if she didn't calm down and she hastily threw the toothbrush on the side, hoping he would not notice it lying there on the ground.

''Beckett! – Kate are you okay?'' He called out. She heard his footsteps coming closer quickly and she pushed herself up to stand, but at the same moment the doorknob turned and he opened the door.

God damn her for not locking it.

Her eyes widened, realizing that this was actually happening.

Her biggest fear since her fifteenth had come true; somebody had caught her.

She rubbed her eyes and tried to wipe away the evidence of tears. She sighed.

She was expecting him to hate her; be full of disgust. She expected him to shoot her a dirty look, maybe ask for an explanation and then just turn around and leave.

But he didn't.

Instead, he entered the bathroom with a worried look on his face. One look at her face and the toilet was enough. He grabbed a washcloth; held it under the cold water tab and handed it to her without speaking, only a concerned look covering his face.

She took a step towards the toilet and flushed it. _Fuck_.

It was then she realized she was not wearing anything but her sweatpants and her black lacy bra. _Even worse._

She felt her cheeks flush and sucked in her stomach. She reached around for her shirt with one arm while she used the other to cover her almost naked upper body. She couldn't find it. She must've shed it along her way to the bathroom.

He handed her a big, fluffy white towel; still didn't speak.

She wrapped it around her torso; feeling new, different kinds of tears well up.

''Are you okay?'' He then finally asked. His voice was thick and hoarse. She couldn't look at him.

She nodded, no trusting her voice to speak yet.

''Just a bit of stomach flu I think.'' She lied. She didn't look him into his eyes; it hurt to lie to him. It hurt even more to know she was so close to telling him, so close to having someone who knows, and cares.

But she couldn't get the words past her lips.

''Seems awfully fast for stomach flu..'' He said, not buying her story and looking at her intently.

It made her nervous. She felt gross, both because of the purging and the shame, the guilt; the embarrassment.

The wanted to take a burning hot shower and then just crawl into bed, and sleep until everything was okay.

She shrugged; didn't know what to answer to that.

She could see he knew she was lying; he just didn't dare to ask her if his suspicions were true.

She couldn't blame him.

''I'm fine Castle. Really.'' She said, her voice croaking. ''You can go home. Go home to Alexis.''

He shook his head.

''I'm not going until you tell me what is going on.'' He insisted stubbornly.

She looked away.

''There's nothing wrong Castle; I just don't feel so good.'' She said.

It wasn't a lie; she didn't feel good. She felt awful.

But just not in the way she made him believe.

Well, believe?

''You're absolutely sure about that?'' He asked once again.

She knew what was going on in his mind; she knew it all too well.

It wasn't like she'd never been in his situation before. The urge to ask so many questions is so high, but you can't bring yourself to ask them. You want to shake the person until the truth comes rolling out. You want to search through all the cabinets until you find something; proof.

Something solid, something that will remind you this wasn't a nightmare. That this is your new reality.

Proof that will make you hurt even more; but also tell you that you aren't crazy. In a way.

He looked sad. Disappointed yes.

She hated letting him down, even though it would only be for letting him know that the badass, fearless cop was all just an act.

The 'real' thing, her real self was just a shell; a faint excuse for a woman.

''Kate…'' He pleaded, his bright blue eyes now piercing through hers as he turned her face to him with his hand. ''Please talk to me?''

''I'm fine Rick.'' She tried to say confidently, although it came out more as a whimper of a three-year old.

''Like hell you are.'' He said, louder this time.

They were silent for a little while, both lost in their own terrifying thoughts. Too scared to say something, scared to make it worse.

''I'm gonna get dressed. You can leave if you want to.'' She said as she stood up, desperately needing space, needing air.

Room to breathe.

She bent down to pick up the discarded toothbrush from the floor, hoping to avoid him noticing it when he would be alone in here.'

Because she knew he wouldn't leave.

''What's that?'' He asked, no emotion to be found in his voice.

''A toothbrush.'' She replied, hoping her voice would mimic his.

''You have two toothbrushes?'' He said, obviously noticing she was keeping something from him.

She looked up and saw him looking at her 'real' toothbrush that sat in a glass on the sink.

She shrugged.

''Must've dropped it.'' She insisted, avoiding the question but her voice was still unsteady.

She left the room then, not wanting to answer any more questions and locked herself into her bedroom were the inevitable tears soon returned and made their way down her cheeks.

She tried to keep silent, but her heart was beating erratically in her chest and she felt so hopeless.

Slowly she sank down on her bed, desperately wishing she could just crawl under the covers and cry until there were no tears left.

But no, she had to stay strong and keep it together because she couldn't afford him finding her in tears once again.

She tried to get her ragged breathing under control, took deep breaths in through her nose, into her aching belly, out through her mouth in small puffs.

When she walked past her full-length mirror and caught a glimpse of herself she cringed; she looked like hell. No scratch that. She looked worse than hell.

Her make-up-less eyes were small, red and rimmed from crying and her cheeks were red from the salty tears that had made their way down.

Her lips were swollen, and her jaw was trembling.

She couldn't face him like this!

Oh, hell. She couldn't face him at all after what had just happened and she even doubted if she could ever face him again without bursting into tears.

…

''Kate…'' He said in a low, almost threatening voice.

She could hear him pacing on the other side of the door.

When she didn't respond he called out again.

''Kate, if you don't answer me I'm going to come through the door.'' He spoke clearly and low.

''Castle go home. It's late.'' She said, her voice still hoarse and weak.

She clutched the sheets in her hands as if to disappear underneath them. She'd crawled into bed regardless of him; hoping he'd just go away.

She was embarrassed and ashamed. She felt guilty and gross, disgusting and immature.

''It's barely nine.'' He answered. ''I'm gonna come in.'' He then stated, almost matter of factly.

And he did. He slowly opened the door and his head appeared; his eyes covered with his hands.

''You decent?'' He asked, a little smirk covering his face, but they both knew he was just unsuccessfully trying to lighten up the situation.

''Is it that bad?'' She murmured sadly.

''What?'' He asked while removing his hands from his eyes.

His expression changed upon seeing her lying in her bed; her face buried in her pillow and her arms clutching the sheets while she laid there curled up in a little ball.

''Nothing.'' Her muffled answer came.

He slowly sat down on the edge of the bed. The mattress was surprisingly soft and he sank away a little.

He carefully put his hand on her calve; the sheets still between them.

''Go away Castle.'' She said weakly and unconvincingly.

''No.'' He refused, not taking no for an answer.

She moved her leg, but didn't pull it away. It more like a stubborn attempt of letting him know she wasn't that easy.

He sighed.

''Kate, if you're not going to talk to me, I am only going to assume things and worry my ass off.'' He said.

''Yeah good luck with that.'' She was being mean again, and she knew it. But this was her defense mechanism and she didn't know how to act otherwise. ''There's nothing to worry about, I just feel a little sick, and I wanna sleep.'' She then said, her voice a little friendlier.

He didn't say anything; just looked at her, staring into her soul and almost forcing her to tell the truth.

''Okay.'' She then sighed. ''I'll make you a deal.''

He raised his brows; telling her to continue.

''You, are going to get up, walk through that door and leave. You're gonna go home, and then I will promise you this will never happen again.'' She said. She knew she had just basically told him that 'this' was 'something' but she hoped he wouldn't have noticed.

He shook his head again.

''No. But I'll make you another deal. I'm going to stay here and make sure that you're not… gonna be sick again,-'' he said a little stumbling. '''- and then I'll agree to stop trying to get you to talk. _For now_.''

''No.''

''Okay.'' He simply said as he shrugged. ''Then I'll just stay here and keep on pushing.''

She groaned.

''On the couch. And I don't want to hear a word, understand?'' She caved.

He nodded and got up.

''Call out if you need anything, okay? And we're not done with this yet.'' He said before leaning over and placing a ghost of a kiss on her cheek.

Then she felt the heat of his breath against her ear.

''You're beautiful, Kate. Don't ever forget that.'' He whispered, and before she could respond he was gone, leaving her with burning cheeks –not from the tears this time- and a mixture of happiness and sadness in her heart.

**This one's kinda short, but I felt like I had to separate this from the next chapter. **

**Reviews are very appreciated (:**


	6. Chapter 6

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER SIX

…

When Kate woke up the following morning, it felt like the air was thicker than normally. Like it was harder to breathe.

There was a foul taste in her mouth; worse than that feeling you get after forgetting to brush your teeth before going to bed.

When she realized why, she first panicked, but then realized it hadn't been real.

_It was just a dream._

The thought of the dream however, made her feel pumped and she needed to get up and get moving. Needed distraction to remove those way too detailed memories from her mind.

Swiftly she swung her legs out of bed, sitting on the edge of the soft mattress for a few seconds before getting up.

Her stomach grumbled.

Ouch, hungry.

She didn't bother to get properly dressed; just kept on the oversized shirt she'd had since college, and quickly pulled the sweatpants she'd used the day before on.

She pulled her hair free from the elastic band it'd been in. She shook her head to make her hair fall down her face and ran her hands through it to get rid of the pulling feeling.

When she entered her living room the first thing she noticed was the sound of pans and glasses. The second thing was the smell of coffee and toast.

The third thing that was someone was standing in her kitchen. Cooking. And humming.

She felt her heart drop. _Fuck_. It had not been a dream at all.

''Morning, sleeping beauty.'' He spoke with that particular grin of his while pulling a mug from the cabinet.

That earned him an eyeroll even before the other comments would come.

''Castle what are you doing?'' She said her tone hopefully not giving too much away.

So conflicting.

Everything was reeling through her mind; from ''god why does he look so adorable with his hair muzzled like that?'' to ''please, no, please leave, please don't make me eat that. Please don't make me eat.''

She looked down at her bare feet.

''I'm making you breakfast.'' He shrugged. ''Thought it'd be the least I could do for thanking you for letting me stay here.''

No, Rick; that's the worst thing you could do right now.

''It wasn't a suite, but still.'' He added winking while he poured her a cup of coffee.

She briefly closed her eyes, trying to get herself under control.

She didn't want to begin about last night, but she knew that if she didn't, he would want to 'talk' about it.

They both looked up, into the other's eyes at the same time before immediately looking down again.

She cleared her throat.

''Um- Okay, listen Rick.'' She started uncomfortably, not looking him into the eyes. ''About last night…''

He handed her a cup of steaming coffee and she accepted it thankfully before taking a sip. She was just procrastinating, she knew it, he knew it, but neither said anything.

''…- that… I… that was nothing. Don't worry about it.'' She said, trying to smile; trying to look sincere.

''Kate…''

''I was just sick Castle. Just sick. Hadn't been feeling good all day.''

''What about the toothbrush?''

''That was just coincidence.'' She lied.

''And you barely ate anything. Nothing but a little bit of Chinese.'' He insisted.

''- and a bear claw.'' She objected.

''A few bites…''

''I just didn't feel so well, Castle.'' She shrugged.

''So do you feel better now?'' He asked.

She bit her lip, not really knowing what the right answer to that would be.

Eventually she nodded.

''Yes.''

''Okay. So eat up.'' He said, trying to smile genuinely, but failing too. He shoved a plate filled with pancakes with maple syrup.

_Shit. Please don't._

''Just gonna brush my teeth first.'' She said.

_I'm so sorry Rick. This is the only way._

…

She turned around and strode towards the bathroom. Once there, she first looked into the mirror; she still looked sleepy.

Stepping away from the mirror, she opened a cabinet and pulled out a small safe.

Not a 'real' safe, more like a small, thin, iron box with a lock that could be opened with the right tools, but still.

She sighed. She'd promised herself never to do this again. But half of that promise, she'd already broken yesterday. So well…

Then she grabbed a tiny, silver key from her jewelry box and stuck it into the lock.

It opened with a click.

She tried to ignore most of the box's contents, not wanting to be confronted with them again, and took out a strip with pills.

Big, white pills.

She pulled one out of the package.

And another.

And another.

Maybe one more?

No. She'd have to be frugal.

With the three big pills in the palm of her left hand she stared into the mirror.

_I'm sorry._ She whispered, before taken them, one at the time, with big gulps of water following after them.

She could feel them entering her body, going through her throat, making their way to her stomach.

She instantly regretted it; like always. But she had to.

She had to. There was no other way. Not right now.

And it _would_ be okay. In the end. Yeah, it would be okay. Eventually.

But deep down she knew, that that was just something she told herself to make the guilt go away.

After consuming another full glass of water she exited the bathroom and put on a smile before entering the kitchen, where her partner sat on one of the barstools, waiting for her.

He smiled at her.

She felt her heart drop.

Guilt. So much guilt.

She could cry.

_Focus, Kate. Focus. Be strong._

''So, you have to go in today?'' Castle spoke awkwardly to break the silence.

She nodded.

''Yeah.''

And awkward silence fell, and Rick took a last sip of his coffee.

Then, he pushed the plate towards Beckett once more.

''Eat up.'' He tried to say casually, but both of them knew why, and what was going on.

She picked up the fork, and tried to hide her discomfort.

She cut of a small piece, dreading it. But she couldn't show it, so she took a bite, and looked him deep into his eyes, on purpose.

She chewed.

Swallowed.

And repeated.

Until the whole pancake was gone.

Then she downed another glass of water; her coffee still untouched except for one small sip.

She pushed the plate a little bit back, shoved the barstool back and stood up; taking the dirty plates and glasses and putting them in the dishwasher.

''I'm gonna get dressed… then I'm going to the precinct so you can go home now.'' She mumbled with her back turned to him.

''Kate…'' He pleaded.

She could see –or rather feel- that he was feeling conflicted about the whole situation. She knew he wanted to ask, he wanted to push, he wanted to help her.

He just didn't know how.

Because he didn't have any answers.

And he wouldn't have, for a very long time.

''Go home and change. You don't want to come in in the same clothes as yesterday.'' She said before disappearing into her bedroom for what felt like the umpteenth time today, leaving him with a disappointed and worried expression on his face.

…

An hour later, both of them sat at Beckett's desk; Castle busy with playing some game on his phone, Beckett doing paperwork and nervously looking at her watch every five minutes.

Then she'd had enough and stood up. She hastily excused herself and made her way towards the bathroom.

She noticed Castle's staring at her while she walked away, but forced herself to keep looking in front of herself.

When she entered the ladies room -that luckily usually was deserted; one of the perks of being a female cop- she immediately disappeared into a stall and fastened her hair in a bun on top of her head with the rubber band she'd been wearing around her wrist.

She bent down over the toilet and inwardly cursed herself. She shouldn't be doing this. But there just was no other way; the feeling of the pancakes and pills felt like acid in her stomach.

After listening for a few seconds and making sure no one was there, she repeated last night's 'events'.

When she was sure she had the strength to stand up again, she flushed the toilet, left the stall and looked into the mirror.

Same face as yesterday; make up running down her face, jaw trembling like crazy.

She tried to fix it as much as she could before nodding towards her reflection and making an effort to leave.

She was stopped, however, by a voice.

''Kate…'' Castle stood in the doorway, a concerned look covering his face. ''Are you okay?''

She coughed.

''Yeah… just still a little bit sick.'' She stuttered. She knew her face was going bright red in embarrassment.

Twice?

God, she really was no good at this ''keeping still and looking like everything's fine'' thing. Or maybe it was just Castle; who noticed way too much and was way too concerned about her; way too sweet.

''You should go home.'' He said, clearly hesitating to step inside.

His expression was different, this time. More like… like her believed her.

And maybe he did, because who would be crazy enough to purge in a public bathroom, with her co-workers around?

Well, she, apparently, but he didn't need to know that.

She walked out of the bathroom.

''No, really, I'm fine Castle. I feel fine I just… my stomach can't handle food right now. I think.'' She said while making her way back to the desk.

He tentatively nodded.

''Okay. But if it gets any worse; go home, okay?''

She nodded, but they both knew she wouldn't.

''I will.''

**This one is very short, but there'll be another update pretty quick after this one. I just felt like I needed to split those into two chapters b/o the time difference.**

**Let me know what you think?**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry, I said that there would be a time difference but there is not, although we go very quickly through several days right now.**

**Also, this should've been up earlier but there were some things in the way in real life. The updates might be a little 'uneven' if you know what I mean, sometimes really quick, sometimes it might take a little bit longer. Real life is a little messed up right now, and then fanfiction isn't as important (:**

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER SEVEN

…

''Beckett, we've got a lead.'' Esposito said while walked up to her desk. ''According to Valerie – one of Allison's friends- Allison had recently been in a fight with Jasper; Sophie's boyfriend. Sophie was one of her friends.'' He briefly explained before dropping a stack of files onto her desk.

The boys obviously hadn't noticed what had just happened in the bathroom. Luckily.

''What was it about?''

''She didn't really know, she thought about money.'' He said. ''They're both in the interrogation rooms.''

…

A few minutes later, Beckett and Esposito were sitting on one side of the table, across from Sophie.

''Were you aware that Allison had had a fight with Jasper?'' Esposito asked.

The girl nervously looked around and ran her hand through her thick, blonde curls.

''Why am I being interrogated? I didn't do anything! I swear, I don't know anything about this!'' She said, her big, blue eyes wide open.

Beckett laid her hands on table.

''No, we're just here to see if you know anything that could be valuable to our investigation.'' She said calmly.

''Okay.'' She said and she blew out a breath, obviously a lot calmer. ''I… I knew she'd been in a fight with him but I thought.. I thought it was nothing bad. Maybe just some words, you know? She had that more often lately.'' She said.

''Why?'' Esposito asked.

''She… she was very irritable. She was getting worse lately, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, she wouldn't eat for days and then she'd yell at everyone who did something she only slightly disliked. Some weeks would be great, and she'd eat normally, then she was her old self; only also sad and frustrated with herself. Other days, she'd starve, then binge and purge, I think those were the worst because everything happened at the same time; pride, guilt and… I don't know… everything.'' She said. ''Mia changed her. So much.''

''Okay. Do you know if she got into any other trouble?''

Sophie shrugged.

''I don't know. Could be. She had always been independent, but now she would only listen to Ana and Mia. I don't know much about it; she was very closed off about everything but every once in a while she would slip up or just tell me something. They made her do stuff, and she only listened to them; no one else. I think… I think she was afraid of Ana. She made her do stuff she didn't want to. Ana created all the problems, but Mia was always there to solve them. In a wrong way, but still.'' She said softly.

''I think she really thought Mia was her friend.'' She whispered before a tear slid down her face.

Esposito noted some things down.

''Okay, let's go talk to them then.'' He said before standing up.

''To who?'' Beckett asked confused.

''Ana and Mia?'' He said.

She shook her head and gestured him to sit back down.

''Javi, Ana and Mia are not people.'' She softly spoke. ''They're… they're the name those girls give the voices in her head that tell them not to eat, or to purge.'' She said, stumbling over the words.

He looked confused.

She didn't look at him and focused on the girl in front of her.

''Did she ever tell you about the laxatives?''

Sophia shook her head.

''No. I knew she used them, but she tried to keep it a secret. I don't know how she got them.'' She answered the question before it was even asked.

Kate nodded, and looked at the detective on her side.

''I think we've heard enough.''

…

''So, found anything?'' Kate said, feeling a little bit uncomfortable.

Ryan nodded with a knowing smile on his face.

''Yes.'' He said. ''Apparently Jasper, Sophie's boyfriend occasionally delivered Allison's laxatives.'' He said, raising a brow.

''Okay, great. Was that what they fought about?''

''Yeah, he says that Allison hadn't paid for the last three deliveries and that he'd got into trouble for that.'' He said while reading the notes he kept.

''Where did he get the pills from?''

''That's where it gets weird.'' He started, looking up. ''He is not the dealer, nor the messenger. He says the messenger would sometimes hand him the package for Allison when he came around to pick up… some things for himself.''

''And who's that?''

''He won't talk; asked for a lawyer.''

She sighed. Great.

''Okay, great work guys, keep digging.'' She said before collapsing into her chair and briefly closing her eyes.

She was exhausted.

…

The next morning she'd gone to the precinct even earlier than usual.

''Morning, Detective.'' He said, cheerful as always, as he walked up to her and set the coffee down in front of her.

The strong aroma made her ache for it.

But tonight, she had decided that coffee too, was off the menu. Only water or tea from now on.

She knew she was getting worse again, she just couldn't stop it.

''Hey, Castle.'' She said, breathing in through her mouth. ''I… uh… still don't feel so well; no coffee for me.'' She said with a small smile, waving at the steaming cup. ''Sorry.'' She said, apologetic.

''Oh.'' He said surprised. ''Oh. Okay.'' He took the cup and handed it to Ryan who walked by and gratefully accepted it, but almost spit it out once he took a sip.

''Ewh Beckett do you drink this stuff? How much vanilla is in here?'' He exclaimed before emptying the cup in the sink and throwing it away.

_Too much. _

…

Another two uneventful days had passed; Castle was convinced Kate was better again, and there hadn't been any accidental encounters anymore.

Kate's situation was still the same; she hadn't purged since Castle walked into her in the precinct, but she hadn't eaten much either. Two bites of a slice of bread for breakfast, no lunch, then a normal dinner.

It wasn't healthy, she knew that, but the only effect that it had was that she was a bit tired and lifeless.

She thought she'd had camouflaged the dark bags under her eyes quite well, and she was convinced Castle wasn't worried about her anymore.

She yawned as she walked up to her desk and dropped her bag next to it. Just when she fell down in her chair someone walked up to her.

''Kate?''

She turned the whole chair around; not bothering to get up.

Castle stood behind her, looking good as usual in his dark slacks and dress shirt. He looked tired, though, and he hadn't greeted her ''goodmorning'' yet. He always did that. No matter what. There always was a ''goodmorning'' before anything else, and a coffee.

But she'd scrapped that. So maybe he had scrapped the greeting.

''Hm?'' She yawned.

''I need to talk to you. _We_ need to talk.'' Castle said seriously.

She raised a brow.

''Oh. Okay?'' She said, trying to hide her nervousness. Inside she was freaking out, the ''I love you's'' and ''I remember's'' reeling through her mind.

Her heart was beating erratically in her chest. He wasn't going to bring it up, was he? He couldn't do that. Not right now. Not here.

Oh god.

But he grabbed her wrist and she quietly winced before following him into one of the interrogation rooms, well aware of the two male detectives that were staring at the two of them.

Once he closed the door behind her he sighed.

A sad, worried, maybe nervous sigh. One that made her freak out even more.

''What is it Castle?'' She said impatiently, but really just scared of what might come.

He leant back against the wall and briefly closed his eyes.

''Oh come on, Rick, what is going on? Just tell me?'' She said.

He cleared his throat.

''Okay… -um..'' He stuttered. ''I'm just going to ask this, and… I'm sorry if it's not true; I did not mean to offend you. Okay?''

She nodded numbly in confusion. This didn't sound like he was going to bring up the confession in the cemetery. If it was something else, it couldn't be that bad, right?

''Okay. Well. You –um… I have been worrying about you lately and I… I think I know what is going on but.. okay so, you don't drink coffee anymore, you barely eat and when you eat you eat weird food, like you have cravings. You throw up. I…''

Her heart sank.

Great. This was it. This was gonna be the moment he was going to leave her; disgusted by her. He'd figured it out; the real Kate Beckett, who wasn't as cool, and awesome, and hot as she pretended to be.

''Rick. Stop.'' She said weakly. ''Please don't do this.''

''I need to ask you this Kate. I just need to know okay? I don't want you to go through this alone.'' He said.

He took a deep breath.

''Just answer with yes or no, okay? I won't judge. Promise.''

She nodded, she could feel the tears burning in her eyes. Why did this have to happen to her?

''Are… -are you pregnant?''

She coughed in shock. _What!_

Her hands instantly went to her belly. So did her eyes.

_Do I look fat? Does he think I'm fat? God I'm disgusting._

''What? No.'' She cried out, tears now escaping from her eyes. She couldn't help it. This was her weak spot. This was it, she couldn't keep her cool.

Castle, the one man she thought looked up to her, thought she was fat.

Who was she even living for then?

''Kate… I'm sorry… I…'' He stumbled, but she was already making her way to the door, ready to leave.

She closed the door with a loud 'bang' and hurried to her desk to grab her bag and coat, then sprinted towards the elevator where she let the tears flow freely.

She heard the faint sound of his voice calling out her name in despair but she ignored it, tried to block it out. She couldn't face him right now.

She didn't remember much of the ride towards her apartment, just that her vision was blurred and that she was worthless. That he thought she was fat. That he didn't like her. That he hadn't meant it.

_That he didn't love her. _

She could hear the voice in her head whisper ''I told you so'' but it only made it worse. For once in her life she'd thought they might have a chance.

But they didn't.

Because he didn't love her.

Because she was fat.

Now here she was, crying her heart out on the ground of her apartment. Under the table. Sobbing and shaking heavily. Gasping for air, but she couldn't breathe.

She was aware of the noise she made, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything, not anymore.

She didn't know how much time had passed when she finally regained some control and her breathing was steady again. Probably more than an hour.

She didn't want to get up.

Her bones hurt from sitting on the hard wooden floor but she liked it, because if her bones hurt it meant they weren't covered in so much fat that she couldn't feel them.

That, and the fact that she wasn't sure she wouldn't start sobbing again once she moved.

Another half an hour later she had crawled out from under the table and stood wobbly on her own legs again. She wasn't crying anymore, yet the occasional tremor ran through her body, and a soft sob escaped every now and then.

Her eyes hurt from the salty tears that had filled them not long ago, and her whole face felt sticky from the tears.

Her apartment was empty, cold. Lonely, maybe.

And maybe she just hoped that he would knock on her door and apologize.

Not that she would forgive him, but maybe she just wished that he still cared for her at least a little bit.

She started pacing back and forth through the living room, her stomach clenched in a knot and her head was pounding from all the crying.

Somehow she ended up in the bathroom, pulling out the scale.

After stripping off all her clothes except her bra and panties she stepped on it.

Maybe she didn't even see the number that was on it; she didn't need to, because she knew that it would at least be _something_, and _something_ was _something_ too much.

She knew it had been a bad decision; the scale would never, ever make her happy. Even if she lost weight. It wouldn't matter because she would never be _nothing._

And maybe it wasn't even about the weight; that was just a side-effect.

The tears had started falling again and she stepped off the scale and kicked it to the side; it bumped into the wall with a loud thump and a small piece of plastic broke off the corner.

Once again she felt like her feet weren't able to hold her up, and she slowly slid down against the cold, tiled wall, until she sat on the ground, her arms hugging her knees and her face buried in her own chest.

The floor was cold; too cold, but she didn't notice it. She didn't feel it.

She felt nothing but pain.

…

After she'd calmed down again, the rational part of her brain somehow succeeded to let her know she had to call the precinct, to explain why she had ran off.

Not that she would.

She'd just say that she was sick. The usual excuse.

Numbly she walked up to her bag to grab her phone.

When the screen lit up she saw she had six missed calls. From him. Two texts, too.

''**Kate, I'm sorry, please tell me what I did wrong?''**

''**Can you please call me?''**

_No_.

Trying to ignore the red notifications in the corner of her screen she called the precinct.

''Gates.'' The captain greeted.

''Hey Sir, it's Beckett. I wanted to apologize for just leaving so suddenly today; I'm not feeling well. I don't think I'll be in for the next few days either.'' She said in one breath, hoping her voice would be steady enough.

Her boss hummed into the phone.

''Alright, I'll let Detectives Esposito and Ryan know, get some rest so you'll be better soon.'' She then said.

Kate knew she meant it well, deep inside she was a nice woman.

''Thank you Sir.''

After that she just fell right into her bed, cried some more and eventually fell asleep; just to escape it all for a little while.

…


	8. Chapter 8

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER EIGHT

…

Quite a while later she woke up. She groaned and rolled over while rubbing her still makeup stained eyes. She sighed, noting that the twilight had already started to set in; she hadn't closed the curtains before falling asleep, yet the room was dark.

She looked at her watch; 6 PM, she must've slept quite long.

Then she swung her legs out of bed and shivered when her bare feet came into contact with the cold, hard wooden floor. She looked down at herself, noticing she hadn't bothered to get dressed when she fell into bed.

She reached for a pair of jeans and a sweater, but then changed her mind, and went for a pair of yoga pants, a sports bra and a light blue tanktop.

She was numb, when she entered the living room and grabbed a pair of running shoes from the closet.

She didn't take her phone with her when she left her apartment. Neither did she take her gun, wallet or badge.

She left home unprotected. Because she didn't really care.

…

The sound and feeling of her feet violently and rhythmically hitting the pavement was almost therapeutic.

Running was… exhausting and she had to admit it was never fun to start with, but once you were out the door it was great. No other worries than just making sure you stay upright and keeping your breathing steady.

She'd started running when she was fourteen years old; when it'd all began. She'd go in secret, after school when her parents weren't home. She hated it. She hated the cold, the rain, the panting and the stiffness afterwards; yet she continued to run, because she could feel the imaginary calories leaving her body with every step she took.

And maybe that was still the case, because if it wasn't for those goddamn calories she wouldn't be running through Central Park while she still felt like shit.

For a while, the running and the calorie counting had been enough; until the calories became an obsession and she started to make drastic changes in her eating pattern. When she was almost fifteen there wasn't enough energy left to run; even walking would exhaust her.

Her parents didn't notice; she didn't lose that much weight, and they just thought the exhaustion after everything she did was a form of laziness. They blamed it on puberty.

Sometimes, however, she would go work out anyway; she would run, exercise or something else that burned calories. But she wasn't strong enough and her head would almost explode afterwards; resulting in injuries and migraines from hell.

Now, the only sound to be heard her own breathing, the music coming from her iPod and the faint sound of her feet hitting the pavement calmed her down.

The uncomfortable feeling in her stomach; that feeling of pain and grief, it wasn't gone yet, but she'd put it on the backburner.

She only focused on her ragged breathing and the beat of the music.

…

Then suddenly there he was, just walking on the sidewalk with a shopping bag on his left arm. He looked… normal. Like nothing had ever happened.

Maybe it didn't. Maybe this was all in her mind.

She didn't know why she'd expected him to look different than usual, but somehow she did.

She really didn't want to talk to him; didn't want him to see her, but most of all, didn't want him to see her in her work out clothing while she hadn't bothered to do more than wipe the makeup stained tears away with her hands. The remains were still there and she knew she looked terrible.

It wasn't like her to be ashamed of herself. Well, not the 'her' she'd been in the last few years.

After she got casted for a modeling bureau, even if it was only to make some extra cash, she'd felt better about herself. After her seventeenth, she'd been getting better already and when she was eighteen and started modeling everything was… almost normal. Of course something like this would never go away, but it was as good as it would get.

When she was nineteen and her mother was murdered, at first she tended to fall back into her old patterns, but when she realized her dad needed her, and when she decided to become a cop; she'd taken the control over her life back.

Every year she would get a little bit of her confidence back.

Undercover operations to strip clubs, fancy restaurants, night clubs, swimming pools, or anywhere else; she knew she could use her body.

Until now. Until the shooting.

Then she just fell back into that downward spiral with no way back.

He didn't notice her, and she kept running, eyes straight ahead and speeding up just a little harder.

When she'd ran past him and finally dared to breathe normally again she felt someone grab her shoulder.

Her cop-instincts kicking in she immediately turned around and grabbed the person's arm.

He yelped and jumped back. When she saw his face, she shook her head and started to run away.

He held her back. She could see his lips moving, but she didn't hear a word; nothing but the steady beat of her music. She took one earbud out.

''Castle I'm running. Let me go.'' She said, trying to keep her voice clear from emotion. She did a pretty good job, but knew that was mostly due to her ragged breathing.

''You're damn right you're running.'' He said, his expression showing frustration.

She now yanked her shoulder free.

''Castle I'm busy.'' She snapped.

''What? So now we're back to four years ago? I can't talk to you when you're off duty?'' He said angrily.

''No, maybe we're back to a goddamn fifteen years ago.'' She yelled. ''Now please _let me go_.'' She hissed, embarrassed when she saw people looking their way.

''What the hell is that supposed to mean?''

''Nothing!'' She yelled before running away, but this was different.

This was running, _running_ in another sense of the word. Running from him, running from the truth. Running from savior? From herself?

She didn't really know.

She just knew that whatever that was, that she was running from, scared her. It scared the hell out of her and she wanted to get away from it.

But her ran after her and tried to get to her.

She really, really wanted to get away from him, but it felt stupid and childish to literally having him chasing her while she ran like her life depended on it.

And maybe that was exactly what their 'relationship' was based on; he chased her, while she ran from the thing she wanted, no _needed_, most because it scared her.

So she abruptly stopped running, and felt him bump into her and mutter and apology.

She turned around; still frowning.

''Castle what do you want? I'm running here, minding my own business and you're… also doing your own stuff so what the hell do you want?'' She said. ''You wanna make small-talk? Well, I'm fine, thanks, doing great, and yeah the weather is amazing. Nice to see you too, see you, bye.''

Shit, she blew it again. She inwardly cursed herself. She was screwing this up. She should be nice to him. She should accept reality. She should let him in.

She tried; she really did, but somehow the words that left her mouth, were the complete opposite of what she wanted to say.

She watched him as his expression changed into an ever more frustrated one and a strange feeling of deja-vu appeared. Wasn't this just like after those three months? Mad at each other, yelling in the middle of a street, chasing each other?

She sighed, both trying to compose herself and calm down from the running.

He still didn't answer, he just stared at her. She saw him eyeing her body, up and down. It made her uncomfortable all over again and the only thing she could hear was ''are you pregnant?''.

Her throat closed and she could feel the frustration and sadness return.

''Kate, I don't know why you're being so angry with me.'' He said stubbornly.

''Okay. Listen, Castle. If you want to talk or anything; this is not a good time.'' She said, her voice unsteady.

''Can you at least tell me why you're mad at me?'' He insisted.

'''Well, maybe because you basically insulted me right in my face.'' She said, her voice getting louder.

''The Kate Beckett I know wouldn't storm out of the precinct just because I insulted her. She would just insult me back or send _me_ out, but she wouldn't walk away like that.'' He responded.

''Well, then maybe you should consider the fact that you don't know me.'' She replied sharply. ''Castle, we'll talk another time.'' She swallowed and ran a hand through her hair, forgetting it was fastened in ponytail and awkwardly lowering her hand. ''I… I'll call you.''

''Yeah, right.'' He snickered. ''Like you did the last time.''

Ouch, that hurt. She looked down at her feet for a brief second before looking him straight into his eyes.

''Alright, then you call me.'' She shrugged.

He didn't answer at first, just looked at her.

''Alright. But if you don't answer you're phone I'm coming over.'' He said.

She knew the cold words he was currently shooting at her were meant well, and that he was concerned for her, but she also understood he wouldn't stay nice to her when she was sneering at him.

She didn't answer, just turned around and started running. It wasn't comfortable anymore, and suddenly every step seemed to be getting her closer to an even worse misery.

She didn't want to take these steps.

She wasn't ready.

…

Half an hour later she stepped under the hot spray of the shower. The water felt relaxing onto her skin, but somehow she couldn't quite relax.

She was tense, and not because of the running.

As she rinsed her hair from the shampoo she'd just put in there she noticed her legs shaking. Suddenly she felt dizzy, and for barely a second she blacked out.

She was fast enough to grab the walls for support.

She wasn't a stranger to this; those barely-there faint-ish moments. She'd had them way too often when she was in her teens and didn't eat enough, or worked out too much, when she suffered from panic attacks after her mom's murder, and after the shooting, due to the PTSD.

When everything was clear again, she was still trembling. She couldn't quite guess if it was due to the little to no eating or due to the stress.

Because to be honest; she was freaking out about Castle calling, and perhaps coming over.

She'd imagined telling someone so many times, she did that almost every night. But the thought always ended with her shaking her head, telling herself no one would ever understand and that if would only worsen things.

So she never did.

But she knew she couldn't keep this form Castle; he would figure it out, if he hadn't already.

Sighing grabbed the bodywash and started rubbing it onto her body. She paused when her fingertips reached the faint white lines on her right upper thigh.

Scars. But different from the one on her ribs and the one in between her breasts.

Self-inflicted.

They weren't clearly visible, and if you didn't know they were there, you wouldn't even notice them, but she did.

She knew it and she hated them.

She wondered if she could still do it; drag that razor over her pale skin and press down. But she shook her head and rinsed off the soap from her body.

She wasn't going to give in.

She'd ruined enough already.

…

Just when she finished dressing, she was startled by a firm knock on the door.

It was him, she knew that without a doubt.

She took a deep breath and tried to relax. Then she ran her hand through her hair and walked to the door.

He didn't smile, like he usually did when he came over. Neither did he make some kind of funny remark.

He didn't even say anything.

''I thought you'd call.'' She said, being the first one to break the silence as she stepped aside to let him in.

He shrugged and took of his coat; neatly hung it next to hers.

He took his time to answer; clearly thinking deeply about the words the chose to speak.

''I didn't want to take any risks.'' He eventually said. His voice was soft yet clear and confident. Just timid.

He didn't speak those words that were obviously there. She wasn't facing him; still looking at the door while he had already entered the living room.

''Have you eaten?'' He then asked after several moments of awkward silence.

She didn't know if he was getting straight to the point, or asking it just to procrastinate the real conversation.

But she shook her head and shrugged. There was no use in lying to him now; he came here to talk and she knew he wouldn't left without the truth. She'd already had, and still was lying to him about way too many things.

''No.'' She said. She felt like a little girl being lectured by her parents; even if he'd only spoke a few, almost emotionless words.

She walked up to the couch and sat down on the armrest, her arms folded in front of her stomach.

She knew what he wanted to ask; 'Why not?' or 'You should' but she also knew he wouldn't. he wouldn't do it, because no matter what he would say; he didn't want to hear the answer to that. He didn't.

Now he too sat down; on the other end of the couch, and he barely touched it, sat on the front and rubbed his face with his hands.

''What… what did you want to talk about?'' She said reluctantly.

Not running was hard; extremely hard. She felt like she was unprotected and could be stabbed in her heart any second now.

Maybe she could. Maybe that was exactly how it was.

''Why are you mad at me?''

''You know why.'' She said.

Goddamnit she was already closing off from him again. _Just answer the damn question Kate._ She scolded at herself.

Then she sighed.

''Because… because you-'' her voice was trembling and so was her whole body. This couldn't be this hard, right? That wouldn't be healthy? Right? ''-you called me a slut. You called me fat.'' She almost whispered; her head bend down in shame.

''I did not call you either of those, and you know that. We both know that.'' He defended himself. ''I was just worried about you Kate.''

''You don't need to be.'' She lied.

''You know what? This isn't even about you being angry with me, because, hell, you've been angry with me _all_ the time.'' He sneered. ''This is about you being so… so _different_. Something is going on with you.''

She cringed.

''-and you know what? I think I already know what is going on here. I think I do. I just don't want to say it if it isn't true.'' He added, his voice softer and more caring.

She didn't answer.

''-it was stupid to say that earlier today, I know, and I'm sorry. I just… sometimes I forget that I can hurt you. Sometimes you're just so… tough; it's like you're made out of iron and it seems like everything I say that you don't want to hear just bounced off of you and comes right back at me.'' He sighed as he ran his hand through his hair once more.

''Sorry.'' Was the only reply she gave him.

''Kate can you please respond? You're not even listening to me!'' He exclaimed, a frustrated expression covering his face.

''I am. I just don't know what to say.'' She responded; and it was the truth.

''Can you please just… tell me what is going on?'' He tried.

''No.''

''Why not?'' He sighed.

''Because you don't want to hear it and I don't want to say it.'' She said.

''I want to hear it, Kate. I need to hear it from you.'' He insisted, his bright blue eyes showing only concern, piercing right through hers.

''No, Rick.'' She sighed, flicking her eyes down. ''You don't, you think you do, but you don't.''

''I want to be there for you. I want to help you.''

''You can't help me.'' She said while fumbling with the hem of her shirt. ''No one can.''

''Just let me try?'' He almost begged, his voice no more than a hoarse whisper.

She slowly shook her head.

''Why not?'' He said, and he looked so… disappointed, so sad and so concerned. It felt like she'd just stabbed herself in the heart. She couldn't bear to look at him like this.

''Because I don't want to hurt you, Rick! Because I don't want you to lay awake at night worrying about me and wondering if I ate something the last couple of days! Because I don't want you to be as unhappy with me as I am!'' She yelled and she could feel the tears start to burn.

''Why do you even care?'' He said, his voice still soft and holding nothing more than defeat and devastation even though she was practically yelling at him.

She didn't mean it. She was probably more angry at herself than at him, and he knew it. She just needed to scream at someone. Needed to vent.

''Because I _love_ you, damnit!'' She screamed and when she realized what she'd said she couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

One single tears rolled down her cheek, she tried to wipe it away but a next one had already started to roll down.

He stood there, wonder-struck by her sudden admission.

''You what?''

She let herself fall down in the big, fluffy cushions of her couch and didn't even bother to hide her tears anymore.

''Because I love you, okay? Because I love you, and I thought you loved _me_, and because for _once in my goddamn life_ I let my hopes up too high and yet, I got hurt. And I should've known better because this is what happens _every time_ and I'm _never_ good enough! Because there's always something wrong with me and I'll always be too fat and even at my lowest weight I am still fat, and even they'd think I'm good enough I'd still be the girl with the disorder who pukes her guts out every time she eats because she's scared it will make her fat! Okay? Because I'm _fucking_ crazy, Rick. Because I'm _fucking crazy_.''

Her whole body was shaking again and the tears wouldn't stop falling. She felt embarrassed; to cry in front of him. But she'd already ruined it, and even if she'd stay strong he would still leave her.

She'd screwed up.

Again.

But then she felt his arms around her, and she was too weak, too exhausted to fight it, so she let him hold her.

And maybe she just let him because she was afraid this was his way of saying goodbye, without hurting her. Maybe she just wanted to touch him one last time.

And if that made her weak, if that made her naïve, then so be it. Guilty as charged.

She felt him close his arms around her and she subconsciously leant in to his touch. He ran his hand through her hair, and he kissed her temple, and she shivered, because god, she loved him and he was so sweet and amazing and she didn't deserve him and maybe that was exactly why she didn't have him.

''I know it doesn't make much of a difference, but for what it's worth; I think you're gorgeous Kate.'' He whispered as he ran his hand soothingly up and down her back.

''Please don't say that.'' She sobbed.

She might be too exhausted to break free from his embrace, but she didn't want him to say things like that. She didn't want him to lie to her just so she would feel better.

''It's the truth. And now might not be the best time to do this, but…'' He paused and cupped her face so she was looking at him. She looked the other way, though; embarrassed of her red face and brimmed eyes. ''Hey, look at me, please?'' He pleaded.

She eventually looked at him, deciding she didn't care.

''I love you Kate. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, beside Alexis and my mother. I love you so much.'' He said as he looked her straight into her eyes.

She swallowed. For a moment she felt her heart flutter, but she wasn't ready to believe him; how could he first say that he loves her, then tell her she's fat, then tell her he loves her again?

So she slowly shook her head.

''Rick please don't lie to me, okay? I know I'm a fucking mess right now and that you don't want to feel guilty over all this, but just tell me the truth. I can handle the truth.'' –Okay, well maybe she couldn't, and maybe only the thought of him thinking she was fat made her want to throw up everything she ever ate, and starve herself for days. But he didn't need to know that.

''I'm telling the truth.'' He said, pain evident in his eyes. ''I love you, and that's not something I easily say.''

''Then why did you call me fat?'' She whispered. 'Couldn't you just keep that to yourself?''

''Kate, listen to me, okay? I did not call you fat. I do not think you're fat. I think you're beautiful just the way you are. I-''

''I'm not stupid Castle! The whole world knows that ''beautiful just the way you are'' means ''yeah you're fat and ugly but stop complaining about it and don't be a bitch''. Just fucking tell me that I'm fat and then it's okay, alright? I won't judge you if you leave!''

She'd jumped up from him and was now standing in front of him, yelling again, while he still sat on the couch.

''I asked you if you were pregnant, because I saw you throwing up, you didn't eat and didn't drink coffee. You had cravings. I had two suspicions; one was wonderful and beautiful yet, the other one was terrible. I knew you probably wouldn't be pregnant, because you're skinny and you don't have a boyfriend. I asked you the first one because I didn't want to assume the worst. Alright? Do you believe me now?''

She could see he was starting to get annoyed, but he didn't show it, because he didn't want to hurt her.

''I'm sorry. I just…'' She sighed and sat down next to him. ''I'm sorry.''

''For what?'' He grabbed her hand and squeezed. His face softened.

''For… being me. Making everything so much more difficult. For doing this to you.'' She said softly, head bent in shame.

''Shh. It's okay.'' He whispered as he once again pulled her close.

And then they just sat there, until it was completely dark outside and her apartment was cold, but they had each other.

Kate's breathing had become normal again and she lay limp against him. He wasn't sure if she was asleep, or just not talking.

''Kate?''

''Hm?'' She responded. She was exhausted from all the emotions, and although she was still scared of his reaction, and although he basically didn't know anything yet, she was too tired to worry about it right now.

He didn't know why, when, what and how. It was like her story was a book and he he'd only read the title.

He didn't know anything yet.

''You should go to bed. It's late.''

She knew that and to be honest, there was nothing more she wanted right now, than to go to sleep. But she didn't want him to go.

''I'll stay on the couch again, okay?'' He asked.

She shook her head and she saw a flash of disappointment in his eyes.

Then she stood up and took his hand.

''Come on.'' She said. There were no further words needed; he knew what she wasn't saying – that she wanted him to stay, that she didn't want to be alone right now.

He followed her to her bedroom and she disappeared into her bathroom.

He would be lying if he'd say he wasn't extra quiet to listen to her movements, to make sure she wasn't throwing up again.

She brushed her teeth and removed her makeup, continued the rest of her evening's rituals before returning to her bedroom.

Castle was sitting awkwardly on the bed.

She smiled nervously at him; nervous because she wasn't wearing makeup and nervous because he knew.

No one else had ever even suspected something. Part of that was scary, but somehow it also made her feel safe. Maybe if someone knew, that way she would think twice before purging or doing something else stupid.

…

Ten minutes later, when both of them had changed they settled underneath the covers; a respectable distance between the two at first, but that was quickly closed in.

Now Rick was laying behind her, spooning her and it felt strangely comforting, having his arms around her so protectively.

They'd both admitted to loving each other, yes, but there was no speaking of any romantic relationship yet, and they hadn't event spoken about the fact that she remembered.

She knew it was going to come up eventually, but she was so grateful for the fact that he left that untouched for now.

''Thank you.'' She whispered, her words piercing through the silence. She knew he wasn't asleep though.

''For what?'' He said lazily, yet she knew he was paying attention.

''For… pushing.'' She quietly answered. ''For being there.''

The only response she got was a tighter embrace and a kiss on her hair.

But that was enough. For now.

**A/N: Woah guys, that should've been up way earlier, but my life's kinda hectic right now ( I have to make a very important decision before Wednesday, and my birthday is in three days so I have to plan all kinds of stuff for that too, haha) but anyways, I hope this extra-long chapter made up for my absence!**

**Let me know what you think?**


	9. Chapter 9

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER NINE

…

''Hey.''

She looked over her shoulder, then turned around. She'd been up for almost an hour already; she'd snuck out of bed while he was still asleep.

''Hey.'' She replied with an almost shy smile.

Things just always were different after a night of sleep; hard things always seemed easier and less harmful in the dark. It's only when you wake up the next morning, that you realize what you've done and how stupid you've been.

''Sleep well?'' He yawned.

She chuckled nervously at him; his hair was muffled from the sleep, and his clothes were rumpled from a night of laying on the floor.

There was a fist-sized black stain on his shirt, in het middle of his chest.

She embarrassedly looked away when she realized she was the one who had caused it; _her_ make up, _her_ tears.

''I.. uh… yes. You might wanna change… your shirt.'' She muttered while turning her back towards him and rummaging through the cabinets of her kitchen.

''I don't have anything else here. You're the only one seeing it, anyway.'' He said with a sweet smile on his face.

He sat down on one of the barstools and ran his hand through his hair.

''Your bed is pretty comfortable.'' He said with a cheeky, maybe almost cocky smile.

She only turned her head towards him and raised her brows.

''Seriously…?'' She said, rolling her eyes.

Only he could make a comment like that when the air was thick; filled with the earlier spoken 'I love you' 's and secrets.

He shrugged.

''Just saying..''

She went back to fumbling with the buttons on her coffee-machine. Several seconds later she pulled out the coffee-mug and put it down in front of him.

''Here you go.'' She said with a smile. ''You want breakfast? Toast, pancakes, eggs?'' She then continued a little nervous. She didn't meet his eyes, afraid to see any form of judgment in them, even though she should know better; Castle was a great guy, he wouldn't judge her.

That seemed to take him aback a little as well.

''I… yeah, actually I'd like that. I'm… pretty hungry.'' He said. ''Eggs are fine.''

She opened her fridge and took out two eggs, cracked them open and poured them into a pan.

While she was waiting for the omelet to bake she nervously looked around.

She wouldn't lie; she was fucking scared. So scared of what would happen. Would he take her to see a doctor? Would he force her to tell people? Her dad? Her boss? Would he force her to eat?

She'd never told anybody this before. No one had ever known. This was her best kept, deepest secret and she felt so… naked; having it out in the open.

''I…uh…-'' she started. ''-I've never…. I've never done this before. Actually.'' She said awkwardly.

He laughed and she frowned.

''You've never made an omelet?'' He laughed.

She shook her head and couldn't decide whether to laugh or get mad.

''I mean… nobody has…. nobody has ever… known this… about me.'' She quietly spoke, her eyes looking only at the eggs while her fingers were tightly holding onto the utensils.

''I'm glad I do, now.'' He responded.

Then she stood up and walked over to stand beside her, on the other side of the kitchen island. He gently took the spoon she was holding out of her hand and put it down; then grabbed her hand.

''We'll take this slow. It'll be okay.''

She looked at him.

''What? What are we gonna take slow I-'' She immediately panicked.

He interrupted her.

''This, this… making this okay, normal again.'' He said.

She yanked her hand out of his grip and looked him straight into the eye. He could see she wasn't angry, but she definitely wanted to make point.

''Castle you-. There's one thing you need to know, need to… understand.'' She took a deep breath. ''I told you this… because –aside from the fact that you basically already knew- because I didn't want you to worry. Now you know what is going on.''

He hummed and nodded.

''I didn't tell you because I wanted you to help me. And that has got nothing to do with you, it's just… recovery is not an option for me.'' She then added.

He looked surprised; shocked even, maybe.

''Why… why not?'' He exclaimed. ''You… with a little help…-''

She cut him off.

''Because I don't want to recover.'' She said, her voice clear and loud, yet not unfriendly. She was just stating the facts; the truth.

''You don't want to recover?'' he repeated her words slowly, tasting them as he took them into his mouth.

''I don't.'' She affirmed him.

''Why?'' He said.

''Because…- it's not like I want to do this, or like I like doing this, being this kind of person. Because I don't, not at all. It's just… this will never go away, even if I recover it will always be there, and I will never forget what it feels like and I will always have that longing.''

She paused for a moment before continuing.

''I wish this feeling was gone. I wish I had never decided not to eat that first day, and I wish I had never … decided to… lose everything I ate.'' She swallowed awkwardly. ''But I did. I did do that and since that day I know how good and bad it feels at the same time, and no matter what I will never forget that. I can't be happy if I recover, because I'll always keep that longing.''

''I don't understand.'' He stammered.

''It's like… like getting into a relationship with someone you really, really love but you know is going to break your heart.'' She started. ''Or you're gonna break his, it doesn't matter; you know you're going to end up hurt. Not getting into a relationship with him hurts; a lot, but being in a relationship with him and breaking up with him later on would be even worse, because you'll always know what you're missing.'' She explained.

The subtext was loud and clear, both of them knew that, and it didn't help the awkwardness of the situation.

''But what if you're not gonna miss it? What if you can let go?''

''You can't. It will always be there.'' She sighed. ''It's like my dad; he's recovered from his alcohol addiction but he'll never be able to drink alcohol again; not without the memories and not without having the risk of falling back into… old habits.''

''But as long as he doesn't do that… he's happy, right? I mean despite missing your mother he's…. he seems happy.''

''I think he is. Although looks can be deceiving. But alcohol is not something you have to use. He can just avoid situations that are risky for him. I won't. And he _stopped_ drinking, which is totally different than starting to… eat. I'm not saying that it's easier, because it's absolutely not, but… it's different trying to like something you hate than trying not to do something you 'love'.'' She shrugged. ''Whatever. I can't fucking explain. I just don't want to recover.'' She said as she put the eggs onto a plate and shoved it towards him.

He was silent.

She handed him a fork and the room suddenly seemed way too quiet, way too big, way too lonely.

''I fucking hate this.'' She said as she fell down in a chair. Her stomach was knotted into one big mess again and het whole body was tense. She was on the edge of crying again.

But she wasn't going to cry in front of him; not again, not ever again.

''I shouldn't have told you.'' She then added, a bit more quietly. Like she was giving up. ''Now I got you into this mess too.''

''I'm your partner.'' He simply stated.

''This is personal. My dad doesn't even know.'' Her answers were short; afraid that any sign of crying might shine through if she said any more.

He didn't answer, and just silently cut off a piece of his egg.

Both were silent for a while until he spoke up; his voice almost sounded insecure, nervous as he finally spoke the question that had been bugging his ever since he woke up. Well, one of them, at least.

''Have you.. uh.. already eaten?'' He asked, once again not meeting her eye.

She paused, only for a beat then turned her head to look at him.

''Oh. Yeah. Right. Of course. I did.'' She said before turning her attention to a loose thread on one of the pillows that were lying in the chair.

Her answer wasn't very believable, and the fact that her stomach rumbled loudly after several seconds of silence only weakened her statement.

''You uh- you didn't, did you?''

She shrugged, didn't look at him.

''No.'' She reluctantly said. ''I just…-''

''You don't have to lie to me.'' He said, part of him genuinely hurt by the fact that she'd lied to him.

She bit her lip, but before she could answer him or hive him any kind of reaction, her phone rang.

She stood up and walked up to the kitchen again, picking up the phone.

''Beckett.'' She greeted.

''Yo, Beckett, we found another lead. I don't know if you're up to it , Gates told us you were sick, but I thought I'd let you know.'' Esposito responded.

''I uh- what's the lead?'' She asked, still debating whether or not to go back to work already.

''Jasper said he'd stopped bringing her pills about four weeks ago; he said he thought she was getting too skinny and that he didn't want to help her anymore. He knew she still used them, apparently she got them from a friend. Christina Greville. We're heading there now.''

''Alright, text me the address.''

''You sure you're up to it?'' He asked.

She nodded even though he couldn't see her.

''Yeah.''

…

Thirty minutes later they parked their car in front of the Climbingdale rehab center. They'd stopped at Castle's place so he could change his clothes. Beckett took a deep breath, trying to regain composure, trying to feel less awkward with Castle sitting in the seat next to her knowing her secret.

''Let's go.'' She said before getting out of the door, not sure whether she was saying it to him or to herself.

Together they walked up to the entry, Esposito and Ryan walking inn from of them, and she was well aware of the fact that he walked just a little closer to her than normally.

They entered the building; the walls were light green and on their left was a waiting room with chairs standing around a table. Flyers and posters were everywhere.

On their right was a vacant reception and there was a long hallway going to the right, doors everywhere.

She stopped walking, while the boys turned to the right and entered the long hallway. Castle –loyal as ever- stood next to her, looking at her intently as if she would break any moment now.

''You coming Beckett?'' Ryan asked as he turned around.

She shook her head.

''You guys go, we'll wait here.''

She would never admit it, but she was scared as hell. She didn't want to enter the long hallway, didn't even want to be here for work.

The atmosphere scared her.

There were three people sitting in the waiting room; a scared looking girl that couldn't be older than a year of fourteen and her parents.

She looked at Castle.

''We should wait here.'' She said, soft enough that the other three people couldn't hear what she was saying. ''We don't want everyone to know why we're here.''

He nodded and took a seat in one of the chairs. She sat down next to him and tried to ignore the pitying looks from the older woman sitting right across from her.

…

It didn't take long before the buys came back out. They gestured for them to follow them and only started to talk when they were standing outside the building.

''We didn't get to really talk to her. It took a hell of a lot to get the nurses to let us in her room and when we asked her about pills she started crying and we had to leave. The nurse said she was in a very fragile state or something and that we should and I quote ''get our asses out of here and stop upsetting girls''.''

Beckett sighed. She'd hoped the girl would just confess and that they didn't have to go back here, but apparently that was too much to ask for.

''Alright.'' She started as she ran her hands over her face and through her hair. ''Let's go back to the twelfth and try to get as much information on her as possible.''

…

''And why the hell didn't you get a confession out of her?'' Gates asked fumingly.

''As I said before sir, we don't have enough to bring her in for questioning and she didn't cooperate.'' She tried to stay polite.

''Well, then make sure you get enough on her before tomorrow so that we can get this case to rest!'' She said before dismissing the three detectives and the writer from her office.

''Well, a little bit nicer would be appreciated.'' Castle pouted as they sat down on Beckett's desk again.

She shrugged and opened her mouth to answer him, but the door of Gates' office swung open once again and the captain called out for her.

''Beckett. Can I see you for a moment?''

She stood up and shot Castle a confused look before entering the office once again.

''Beckett are you feeling well again?'' She asked and Kate furrowed her brow, trying to figure out why her captain had called, her back in, just to ask about her health.

''Yes sir.''

''Alright. Then I have some news for you.''

She raised her brows.

''Okay?''

''You're going undercover.''

**Let me know what you think?**


	10. Chapter 10

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER TEN

…

_Previously:_

''_Alright. Then I have some news for you.''_

_She raised her brows._

''_Okay?''_

''_You're going undercover.''_

She just stood there, staring at her boss with a dumbfounded look on her face.

''I'm sorry, what?'' She asked as she awkwardly crossed her arms in front of her.

''You're going undercover.'' Gates repeated as she sat down in her chair.

Kate followed her example and took place in the chair on the other end of the desk.

''As… what exactly, if I may ask?'' She asked even though she already knew what answer she would get.

''I want you to stay in rehab to gather information until we have enough to make an arrest.'' Gates elaborated. ''So you'll have to pretend to be one of the patients.''

''I…- I'm sorry sir but I don't think I am able to do that.'' She said, her stomach already tying in a knot again.

This was probably the second-worst thing that could happen to her right now. Even if it was undercover, even if everyone would think she was just pretending, she couldn't go there.

She couldn't.

She'd already frozen when they were only there to question Christina and she hadn't even gone further than the waiting room which was not more than fifteen feet away from the door.

''I'm afraid you'll have to Beckett. This is your case and you're the only girl on your team. The guys will never be able to play the part believable enough.''

She swallowed.

''Isn't there another way?''

Gates shook her head.

''No, there isn't. Besides, most cops would kill to go undercover.''

She nodded. She couldn't talk herself out of this without giving herself away.

''What exactly am I supposed to do?'' She sighed.

''Well, just go home now and do some research on eating disorders-'' _Not needed_, she bitterly thought. ''-then in three days you will go to rehab and you just have to make up a story you can tell them. The director will know you're undercover but the doctors and others won't. You have to follow the therapy and try to get information out of the other girls, especially Christina. When we have enough to make an arrest you'll be able to go home.'''

She nodded but didn't answer. She wasn't able to think straight. How was she supposed to follow therapy? _Doctors? Therapy? Rehab?_

She saw Gates' lips moving but she didn't hear what she was saying.

''-go home now and prepare. Take the next two days off and I will see you here in three days with your suitcase packed.''

She nodded and made her way back into the bullpen. Everyone seemed to be moving around so quickly and everything seemed so noisy, so crazy.

She stumbled towards her desk and grabbed her coat and bag, accidentally pushing some papers and one of the elephants off her desk. The papers twirled around and the elephant fell onto the ground where it broke into a hundred pieces.

She didn't bother to clean it up; didn't even care.

For the second time in a short time she made her way towards the elevator with tears in her eyes and her empty stomach feeling so heavy.

''Kate!'' Suddenly there he was, slipping into the elevator, just before the doors closed.

She gave him a watery smile.

''What's wrong?'' He softly asked.

''Nothing.'' She said with a watery smile. Not that she seriously believed she was fooling him, but still. She just didn't feel like talking about it; there had been to many tears over and in front of him already the last couple of days.

The elevator arrived at floor level and the doors opened. She hastily stepped out and tried to ignore the buzzing sound of officers talking.

''You're going home?'' He asked when he noticed she was making her way towards her car.

She nodded.

''Yeah.'' She unlocked her car and put her bag down in the passenger seat.

''Can I come?'' He asked.

''Why?'' She shot back as she turned her head towards him and sat down behind the steer; the door still open.

''Because… I have nothing else to do. If I go home I have to write.'' He pouted.

She shrugged. It would do no harm if he came home with her; she might even like it. But then again…

''I have stuff to do.'' She said, as she re-adjusted the review-mirror.

''What kind of stuff?''

''Police stuff.'' She said rolling her eyes.

''I can help..'' He tried one more time.

''You can come, but you can't help and you'll have to entertain yourself.'' She then gave in and grabbed her bag, put it down on the backseat.

He grinned as was sitting next to her in no time.

She tried to suppress a smile as she started the engines, and he instantly started fiddling with the radio.

…

''So…. What are we gonna do?'' He asked excitedly.

''Castle I told you I have stuff to do. You'll have to entertain yourself.'' She said as she dropped her jacket next to the door, not bothering to hang it up.

Then she set down her bag on the kitchen table and took out her planner and a stack of files.

She noticed Castle wandering around her apartment but decided to ignore it.

She opened her laptop which has already been sitting on the table and started it up. Then she finally sat down and began to organize the papers.

''Why are you doing paperwork? We haven't even closed the case or made an arrest yet.'' He asked while standing on the other side of the room, looking at the pictures she'd lined up against the wall.

She hummed absentmindedly while she opened up an empty word-document.

''Research.''

''For what?''

''I'm going undercover.'' She said as if it was no big deal even though she knew it was.

''As…what?'' He asked as he put down the picture of her and her dad that he was holding.

''As a rehabilitant.'' She scribbled something down on one of the papers and kept avoiding his eyes.

She could almost _hear_ him frown as he pulled up a chair and sat down. The awkwardness of his stare upon her bent head forced her to look up.

''Why?'' He said, looking genuinely confused.

''Because we need to get information on Christina Greville but we don't have enough to interrogate her.'' Her answers were short, and she knew it wasn't fair to play it this cool; he deserved more than that. But she couldn't, not yet.

''When- when are you leaving?'' He asked, his eyes clouded.

''Wednesday.'' She bit her lip and returned to the screen.

''What are you researching?'' He asked as he stood up to stand behind her and rested his hand on the back of her chair.

She breathed in deeply, yet not loud enough for him to notice her sharp intake of breath.

''I-uh. Gates told me to research on eating disorders and make up a story.'' She said; it wasn't lying, not really.

''What is your back story gonna be?'' He asked as a hint of a smile returned. ''I'm good with stories, maybe I can help?''

''I think I'm just gonna..'' Her voice faded, she didn't know what she was gonna say in the first place, but she knew that she didn't want him to help her.

''Gonna what?''

''Pack.'' She said as she stood up. It was ridiculous, she wasn't supposed to leave for another two-and-a-half days, but she was eager to have something to do.

''Can I help?'' He said as he jumped up and followed her even though she was going nowhere.

''Eager much to rummage through my underwear?'' She teased him, happy the banter was back. ''You can list what I have to take with me.'' She then smiled. ''I suck at packing; always forget something.''

He grinned and immediately picked up the pen she'd left on her table and ripped off a blank piece of paper from the note block that was lying next to it.

''Alright, you get your suitcase, I will make a list.'' He said as he was already writing down a few main items.

She nodded and disappeared into her bedroom.

…

He continued to pick up the photos and look at them while she searching for her suitcase. He could hear her rummaging through stuff in her bedroom, even though he was standing in the livingroom; looking at the pictures she'd hung up on the walls because he had decided he would rather write down the things when she was here.

When he picked up a particular frame, holding a picture of the two of them in front of the murderboard, a piece of paper fell out from the back.

He bent down to retrieve it and gasped when he saw what it portayed.

''Kate…'' He suddenly spoke, his tone serious as hell.

''Hm?'' She appeared into the livingroom, dragging a huge white suitcase with her.

''What is this?'' He said, holding up the picture; merely printed on paper. It was thin, worn out and crumpled as if it had been through a lot.

She didn't need to come closer to see what it was. She didn't need to turn it around to see what was written on the back of it.

''Castle. Put it back.'' She said, looking at him directly; frozen in place.

He touches things. She thought. She should've known that, shouldn't have let him come home with her.

''Kate what is this?'' He repeated, his voice full of worry.

''Castle please put it away. It's nothing.'' She lied. Of course it was something.

It was a picture of her –or more likely, her body from feet to neck in just her underwear- that was taken the first day she got 'home' in her father's cabin after the shooting.

She wasn't stupid, she knew she'd been underweight, and that it was a pretty shocking photo, but that shooting had been the trigger for everything to go off again and that photo… she knew it was sick, fucking sick, but it was motivation.

''Like hell it's nothing. Who is this? Please tell me this is from the internet?'' He said as he walked towards her. She looked down, knowing it was just a rhetorical question; if he wouldn't have known exactly whose picture that was by just seeing it, then the bandage would give it away.

''I think you already know.'' She said, her voice betraying no emotion. Her hands held on to the handle of the suitcase tighter.

''Kate..'' He sighed. ''What-''

She interrupted him and held up her hand.

''This has nothing to do with… the things I told you. Or maybe it has; I don't know. Can you now please give that back. I don't want you to look at it.'' She said.

''No.'' He said, his voice loud and clear. ''No. Not until you tell me when this was taken and why you put this behind those frames.''

''You want the truth? Even more? Fine.'' She sneered. ''That's me, when I got home to my father's cabin after the shooting. And I don't know if you enjoy looking at me in my underwear but can you please just fucking give it to me?''

''Why did you take this?'' His voice was soft; quiet and small. He sounded sad, hurt, defeated.

''Because I-'' She yelled, but then took a deep breath and lowered her voice to a normal volume. ''You won't understand. You can't understand unless you know the whole story.''

''Then tell me the whole story.'' He simply said as he sat down on her couch.

She left the suitcase standing there and sat down on the other side of the couch; far away from him. Not because she didn't _want_ to be close, but because she didn't trust herself right now.

''Listen…'' She started. ''I-uh. I don't know if I'm ready to tell you this. It's just.. all of this has been a pretty big part of my life and there is literally no one except you who knows about it. And it's…. it's just not pretty and I'm fucking ashamed of it, Rick and… I don't know if I'm able to tell you this because there's also a lot of stuff that- that you've seen but you just… interpreted differently.'' She said, her voice quiet yet clear, but somehow also unsteady.

''You can tell me.'' He said. ''You know that right?''

''I know. I just…-'' Then she sighed and briefly closed her eyes. ''Alright. I-uh, I'm not gonna tell you the detail but just a little bit, okay?'' She said weakly.

He nodded even though she was rubbing at her eyes.

''It started when I was fourteen, but that wasn't really bad. At fifteen it got bad and at seventeen it kinda faded away; it was still there but I could ignore it. At nineteen when my mom was murdered I feel back into old habits for a little while but then my dad needed me, and somehow I got over it. After that, it was pretty good actually although I was feeling like shit for another reason; my mom.

So since my nineteenth it actually went really well, I would have some weeks that were bad but I was pretty much 'normal'.

Then the second year we worked together, during the summer it came back. Pretty.. pretty bad actually. But eventually that went by too.'' She paused for a moment; thinking back about that summer, and about how much it would hurt him if he would know why she'd relapsed again.

''And then after the shooting…. The shooting was just one big trigger and everything was shit. It didn't immediately start, but I had lost a lot of weight because of the shooting, because of the physical recovery and then I just… I had to gain weight, and I couldn't do it, because every time I looked into that mirror I saw that body that I had always longed for and I thought 'how can I just let this go?' but the doctors made me eat and I gained weight. A lot.

And I think that all those years I survived because I didn't lose, but I also didn't gain. And I think all those emotions after the shooting combines with the gaining weight I just…. I lost it. I started… well, you know what, again, and since then I just… I just want… that-'' She vaguely waved at the photo. ''-back.''

He didn't say anything, and she didn't look at him.

''Can you please say something?'' She said, her voice small and scared.

''I don't know what to say…'' He sighed; his voice broken. ''The second summer? How did I not notice that?''

''Because you weren't there. By the time you came back I… thing were already better by then. The boys… they really helped me through that summer.'' She smiled weakly.

''Ryan and Esposito? Do they know? I thought tha-''

She interrupted him once again.

''No. They don't know, they just knew I wasn't feeling well and they understood that. They helped me getting over that and I realized that it wasn't worth starving for.''

''What happened?''

She didn't answer and he seemed to understand her silence because he nodded and kept silent.

''Alright.'' He softly said as he straightened his shirt. ''I just… this is not what you should look like Kate.''

''I know.'' She whispered.

…

A few painful minutes were spent in silence until Castle stood up and spoke in a surprisingly bright and clear voice.

''Okay, so let's start with towels because they're the biggest.''

She let out a soft laugh; happy that he'd let go, and eager to be busy with something, even if that something meant packing for rehab.

She nodded, stood up and made her way to the bathroom.

''How many do you think I need?'' She called out to him, and he instantly followed her, leaning against the doorpost.

''How long are you gonna stay?'' He asked.

''I don't know. I mean, let's just assume a week or so, if it's not enough you or the guys or Lanie can always bring me more.'' She said as she picked up three big, white fluffy towels from the rack. ''Three, because I can wash it every other day and still have one extra.''

She walked back into the livingroom and put the neatly folded towels on the bottom of the suitcase which was currently lying on the floor.

'''You better take that thing into the bathroom otherwise you'll have to keep walking up and down.'' He said, and he was already lifting the thing up and dragging it towards her.

She filled a small bag with make up and creams, then a plastic bag with a blow dryer, curling iron, straightener, hair brushes, (that didn't go without a comment from Castle about how they looked like weapons, and how she could always just take her curling iron with her if she lost her gun), and other toiletries. Then another one with washcloths, cotton balls, makeup remover, shampoo (is that cherry-scented?), conditioner, some other hair products he didn't recognize, a few razors, bodywash and special hair-towels. (he didn't know these even existed, no wonder her hair was so perfect, he thought, she really treated it with special care). Then the makeup bag was placed into one of the plastic ones and she closed them.

She carefully set the two bags on the ground next to the wall and went into her room to grab her clothing.

When she'd made several piles with t-shirts, sweaters, jeans, slacks, jogging pants, socks, underwear, bras, blazers and- okay no let me rephrase that. She moved her whole closet into the suitcase and then when I didn't fit she frowned.

''I don't think that's gonna fit.'' Castle laughed, but all he got in response was an annoyed glare, although not as much with him than with the situation.

Despite how I wouldn't work, she tried her very best to make it all fit by sitting on the lid of the suitcase. She bounced up and down but it didn't give in, didn't fit. And it wasn't even half of what she would take with her, he silently chuckled.

He couldn't help but laugh a little louder.

''What if you take two suitcases; I think one's not gonna be enough anyway, and then you can use one for shoes and clothing and the other for toiletries and other stuff.''

She looked down and bit her lip. Might actually be a good idea.

When she realized how funny she must be looking she couldn't hold back a laugh and spoke up.

''Yeah. Maybe.'' She then finally let out a laugh and rolled her eyes as she stood up and disappeared back into the bedroom to grab her other suitcase.

When she came out, she was dragging a ridiculously pink suitcase of the same size of the other.

''Don't laugh.'' She groaned as she saw the slight yet adoring smile appear on his face. ''I had this when I was younger. I usually only need one suitcase.'' She said as she opened up this one too and laid it down next to the other.

She took the clothing out and re-folded some of the piles that were destroyed when she'd stated to bounce on the suitcase and placed them on the bottom of the pink one.

Another plastic bag was filled with three boxes of pills (birthcontrol, sleeping pills and vitamins), tampons and pads (okay, he had to admit, that was a little awkward and even though he lives with two women, he looked the other way) and some bandages (why? He'd asked, she'd just shook her head and shrugged ''you never know'') and was stuffed into the suitcase.

''Okay, what more?'' She asked while she stood up and straightened her shirt.

''Uhm. Shoes?'' He then said.

She nodded.

''Right.'' With that, she –once again- ran off into her bedroom and to grab some shoes.

Once there, however, she couldn't decide which ones to take (because seriously, if she would take one pair of black pumps, one pair of black knee high boots and a pair of flats, she would seriously also need one fun pair of heels and hell, maybe some flip flops too right? And you can't forget the beige ones, and the grey ones and the….) so she ended up taking –almost- all of the pairs she owned.

When she stumbled back into the living room with her arms full of shoes he burst out in a fit of laughter.

''Holy hell Kate, that's probably even more than my mom and Alexis own, together!'' He laughed. ''And that says _a lot!_''

She couldn't help but laugh with him; the last few days hadn't been much fun and this, the fun, the laughter, even after quite a serious conversation, it relaxed her; relieved her.

The pile of footwear in her arms, however, did not agree with the shaking of her body and half of it tumbled down to the floor.

''Fuck.'' She cursed, but yet she couldn't stop laughing. ''Fuck.''

Laughing the pair bent down to retrieve the shoes. When she had all the matching ones standing side to side he picked two –different ones- up.

''Seriously Kate, how _do_ you walk on these?'' He said while rotating the beige pump in his hands and looking at it closely.

She just chuckled and shook her head while putting a pair of shoes in the suitcase.

Then his eye fell onto a shiny red pair of really high ones. He raised his brows as he pointed at them.

''What?'' She asked in that usual way of her, although smiling.

''I've never seen you wear these?'' He said, half teasing with that so Castle-like grin on his face.

''Well, that's because _we_ have never been in situations in which I would wear these. They're not really work-shoes, are they?'' She teased back with a cocked brow and a wicked grin while she picked the pair up and put them neatly next to the pair of simple black pumps she'd already put in the suitcase.

''Like the others are..'' He mumbled while shaking his head and crossing 'shoes' on the packing-list.

…

**Hm, this was quite long, wasn't it (: **

**Next week Thursday the exchange project with Spain will start, and there will be a Spanish girl staying over at my house for about 10 days. I will try to upload one more chapter before Thursday (which gives me a week to write it, so I guess that will be fine), but then there will be a short hiatus for about 10-14 days. **

**Let me know what you think?**


	11. Chapter 11

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER ELEVEN

…

Half an hour later she closed the suitcases and then set them upright next to her door; as if she was ready to leave any minute.

When she turned around she spotted him smiling at her.

''What?'' She asked.

''Nothing.'' He answered, still smiling. ''I just love you.''

That started a riot in her insides, and made her cheeks flush. They might've both said it already, but neither of them had referred to it again and nothing had changed. She wasn't expecting him to bring it up as easy as this.

''Wh-'' She started, but he just shrugged.

''We've already said it, and if you don't want anything to change then that doesn't have to happen, I'm okay with that.'' For now. he silently added. ''I just want to be able to say it. I don't like keeping it in.''

He was talking about it like it was nothing; like they were going over a shopping list for the grocery store. Like he'd already said it a thousand times.

She just stood there, unable to respond.

''I-uh.'' She stammered, still standing frozen in place.

_I love you._ Three simple words, that so many people had said to her during her life, but somehow none of it had felt more sincere and genuine than this.

They'd been told by her mom and her dad; just casually when she came home, went to bed, or when they left for work in the morning. When she was upset, when she was happy; all the time.

Or by her boyfriends, Devon, from that rebel period, Mikhail, a Russian guy she met during that semester she spent there, some other guys from her teens and early adulthood, Will and Josh…. After those make out sessions, after that first kiss, that first time, but had any one them every really meant it?

To be honest, she herself had always been very frugal with those words; she didn't like to use them, knowing that when something would go wrong those words would make the fall even more painful.

The only times she could clearly remember saying them, and actually meaning them, were crying them out, screaming them after she heard her mom had been murdered, and softly at her funeral. When her dad finally got sober and she might have mentioned it to Will.

And then that night, to Castle. Because she had meant it, and she still did. It was just… complicated.

Oh, how she hated that word; but she wasn't a writer, and she wasn't so good with words, and she just couldn't find another fitting term right now.

''Uh…'' She repeated, but he had already turned his back towards her and was making his way towards the sofa.

She blinked a couple of times, then turned around to follow him, but she changed her mind at the last minute and turned right, towards her kitchen.

She grabbed a big glass from the cupboard and filled it with tap-water, then quickly drank it.

''Do you want something to eat or drink?'' She called out, still a little shaken up.

''A soda sounds good.'' He said as he turned his head towards her while seated on the sofa, that charming grin of his on his face.

''No food?'' She asked as she grabbed a can out of the fridge. She knew he would be hungry; she'd been with him all day and all he'd eaten were two eggs. It was already nearing four o'clock and she wasn't going to let him tell her he wasn't hungry, because damn it, just because she didn't eat didn't mean that he had to starve himself!

''No, I'm not hungry.'' He said, but this time he didn't look at her and she knew the grin had disappeared as well.

She grabbed a big red apple from the fruitbowl, washed it and put it on the counter, then opened another cupboard and took out a loaf of bread.

Ten minutes later, she walked up to him and handed him a plate with a sandwich, and put the soda down on the coffee-table.

''Eat up.'' she said when he looked at her questioningly. ''You're not fooling anyone by saying you're not hungry. I've been with you all day, all you've eaten is a small omelet.''

''You ate less than me Kate, so what, are you not hungry then?'' He shot back, maybe a little too sharply.

''Of course I am.'' She replied as she walked back to the kitchen and took the apple and water with her.

She sat down in the chair across from him and took a big bite from the apple. She sent him a daring look while she slowly chewed and swallowed it.

When his worried expression didn't change she put down the apple and held it with both hands in her lap.

''Castle, you need to understand that no matter how scary you might find this; I will survive. It's not like this is going to kill me, I have lived with this for god-knows-how-many-years and honestly? A few years more don't change a thing, hell, even if this never goes away, it doesn't change a thing. It just a part of me.'' There was no sadness, no hurt or fear in her voice, just confidence. She wasn't feeling bad, didn't know why, because she had every reason to be, but she actually felt happy.

She was going undercover in rehab, she should be worrying about that and even though she knew that tonight she would lie wide awake stressing about that, right now she actually felt pretty comfortable.

''Just because it's part of you doesn't mean it can't change. Doesn't mean it shouldn't change. I mean, I used to be a womanizer, but I realized it was wrong and I changed that.''

'''Rick, listen. Maybe you're right, maybe you're not, but… can we just not talk about this now? I don't want to ruin today.''

''Why not? What's so special about today? Tomorrow there will be another reason not to.''

''I'm actually feeling pretty good today.'' She said softly. Then suddenly the 'I just love you' hit her again and she couldn't help but smile, even though she was still afraid, his words might have made her feel a little bit better, a little bit more confident today. ''We can go about this two ways; one, we worry about this and waste our lives being sad, or two, we just act normally like all this never happened because whether you like it or not, this has been with me all along, during everything we've been through it has always been there. You've never noticed, nothing was ever wrong, so can you just realize that I'm not going to die and that I can live with this? And I promise I will talk to you about it sometimes, but just not now, just not know because I really just want to eat this fucking apple and do some research and then go for a run, and maybe even have dinner and do some yoga and go to sleep. Please?'' She almost begged him.

''I- Okay.'' He sighed. ''Just…- We are going to talk about this eventually, okay? About everything.''

She silently nodded, knowing exactly what 'everything' meant. But maybe that would even be a good thing.

Then she took another bite of her apple, and was surprised by how little guilt she was feeling. She might have been fasting for two days, but usually she would still feel guilty for eating, or it would end up being a whole binge-purge-binge session.

She'd eaten the whole thing rather quickly, not crazy, compared to how hungry she was. So when he tore his still untouched sandwich in two and offered her half of it, she hesitated. Usually she was so good at saying no, never even understood how people could accept food from others; even before all this started she'd always said no when offered food.

He gave her that look, saying 'come on, it's just half a sandwich!' and she hesitantly extended her hand and eventually ended up eating it. She gulped down another glass of water and then stood up.

''Where are you going?''

''I have to use the bathroom.'' She said as she made her way towards it.

''Kate…'' He sighed, as if begging her and for a moment she didn't even know what he was trying to say.

''Oh come on Castle, seriously? Do you seriously think I would do that with you in the next room. I'm just gonna pee for god's sake!'' She sighed as she rolled her eyes and continued to walk towards the bathroom. She wasn't angry with him, but he should seriously stop being so paranoid.

He should seriously stop acting like she was about to break any minute. She was still the same person as she was before he knew about all this.

…

''You wanna watch a movie?'' He asked when she came back from the bathroom.

She shook her head.

''I actually wanted to go for a run, so maybe you should head home.'' She smiled at him.

''I could come with you?'' He said, raising up from the couch to put the plate and glass in the dishwasher.

But she shook her head and declined.

''I don't think you can keep up with me.'' She said teasingly, but really she just wanted to be alone for a while; it wasn't like she didn't enjoy his company –because she really, really did- but she wasn't used to having someone around all the time.

He seemed to get her message and smiled, almost politely.

''Alright, just…- just don't do anything stupid, okay?'' He asked with a hint of fear shining through his voice.

''Promise.'' She assured him, her hand squeezing his.

Then he turned and went to grab his coat.

''See you tomorrow?'' He asked.

''I'm not going to the precinct, only have to come and check in Tuesday night.'' She said as she opened the door for him.

''Can I come over?'' He asked.

She bit her lip. They'd been together almost all the time lately and maybe she really shouldn't but…

''I-..''

''I'm just worried about you Kate, and if that makes me look needy or annoying then I'm sorry, but I just want to make sure you're okay.'' He pleaded as he shrugged on his coat and placed his hand on the doorknob.

''Alright. Maybe you can come over in the evening, I'm thinking about going to see my dad.'' She told him.

He nodded.

''Thank you.'' He said as he stepped forward, kissed her on her cheek –just briefly, really, but her whole body was suddenly burning up-, turned around and left.

When she closed the door, she turned to lean against it and slowly slid towards the floor; touching her cheek.

They both might have already admitted to loving each other, they might have already kissed in the past, but yet, that simple, small gesture set all of her nerve endings on fire.

God, she had it bad.

…

''Katie!'' Her dad said surprised when she opened the door and found her standing there in her flats and short, black leather jacket; motorcycle helmet tucked underneath her right arm.

''Hey dad.'' She replied with a smile. ''I just thought I'd stop by.''

'''Great, great, come in!'' He said as he opened the door further and stepped aside to let her through.

She shrugged of her jacket and stepped forwards to hug her dad and give him a kiss on his cheek.

''I missed you.'' He admitted. ''It's been way too long.''

She smiled at him.

''Yeah, me too.''

He made his way towards the living room, and she closely followed. She took a deep breath as she settled on the couch; her dad had never moved out of the apartment she'd grown up in, he just couldn't leave, knowing this was the only place Johanna still somehow lived in.

By the pictures on the walls; pictures of the three of them, but also pictures that Johanna and Kate had taken during that time they got in that creative phase. The big painting that hung above the couch, that Johanna had loved. The kitchen counters that she made dinner on, little Katie sitting on top of one of the counters even though she really wasn't allowed to, stealing pieces of cucumber while Johanna was chopping them up. The bed that Jim and Johanna had shared for years; it was old and sagged but he just couldn't get himself to buy a new one, somehow the empty space next to him held memories and sometimes he swore he could still smell her perfume in the pillows, no matter how often he'd washed them.

''You've gotten way too skinny Katie.'' She heard her dad say, pulling her away from her thoughts.

She knew it wasn't meant like a compliment, but somehow it made her feel proud. Other people saw it, other people noticed_, she had lost weight_.

She didn't answer, because she couldn't get herself to say something about it other than 'thank you'.

''You want a drink? Food?'' He asked as he made his way towards the kitchen.

''Tea would be nice. And I've already eaten at home.'' She said. That was a lie, but maybe just a little white one; the truth would only hurt him. She was protecting him.

''So why did you come over?'' He said, a few minutes later while he set down a cup of tea on the coffee table. ''I'm guessing you had a reason.''

''Why don't you believe I just wanted to see you?'' She laughed as she rolled her eyes.

''I know you, something is bothering you.'' He said.

''Okay, um. We're dealing with this case – I'll spare you the details – but anyway, we already know who did it but we don't have enough evidence on her, so I need to go undercover.'' She started to explain.

''Oh, no, you're not dying your hair pink again are you?'' Jim laughed, images of his daughter dressed in skimpy outfits with matching pink hair coming back to him.

She chuckled.

''No. No appearance changes this time. It's just… the girl is in rehab and… I need to go undercover him rehab.'' She said carefully.

Rehab – a touchy subject in her family, for as far you could call two a family though. Although it was a big thing, a big part of their past, they didn't like to talk about Jim's alcoholic past. Didn't like to reminisce images of him passed out on the floor in his own vomit, or nights where she had to stay over at his house and listen to him puking all night. This rehab might be a different kind, but his sobering up, his stay in rehab; it was barely ever mentioned.

''But… They will notice, if you don't get all the withdrawal symptoms, I mean… they'll know you're not really addicted.'' He said awkwardly.

''Yeah, it's not that kind of rehab…'' She swallowed. ''It's a… eating disorder clinic for women.''

''Is that why you're losing weight? Katie you don't have to do that they can't..-'' He started to protest immediately but she interrupted him.

''No, no dad. I'm not losing weight.'' She lied. Well, partially. ''I just… everything will be fine but it's an all-girls-group there so there will be a lot of gossiping I guess and I'm afraid that someone will notice who I am, and I just wanted to warn you that if there's any gossip on page six about- '' She made quotemarks with her fingers in the air ''-_Richard Castle's girlfriend_ being anorexic or bulimic; don't believe it. It's just a cover.''

He was silent, seemed to be thinking about her words deeply; his brows furrowed only slightly.

''And just for the record, I'm not his girlfriend either.'' She rolled her eyes and nervously chuckled.

''I- I don't know what to say.'' He finally spoke. ''I mean, if it's that easy to get your cover blown, then can't someone else go?'' '

''I'm the only woman on my team, and well…'' She slowly spoke as if still thinking about it herself. ''I'm not really happy with it either, but I'll just have to do it.''

''When are you leaving?'' He then asked.

''Wednesday.''

She didn't elaborate any further. And just like that the conversation was over, done. Not because he was angry, or because he didn't care but because he was scared, and because she understood where that fear came from, so she let it rest.

She loved her dad more than anything, and she didn't want to hurt him. Even if it hurt her.

…

At seven o'clock her doorbell rang. Two quick yet loud and clear buzzes, and somehow she just knew it was him; not because she knew he would be coming over, but because that ringing of the bell, it was just so… him. Typical.

She got up from where she was lying sprawled all over her couch with her face buried in the pillows and made her way to the door.

She checked her appearance in the mirror once more; to see if her jaw had stopped trembling and if her makeup was still in place.

''Hey.'' He smiled as she opened the door.

''Hey, come in.'' She smiled back.

When he'd shrugged off his coat and his shoes (it had been raining, they were all wet) and ran a hand through his moist hair he spoke up.

''You- You just made yourself throw up again, didn't you?'' He said bluntly but with a concerned look in his eyes.

''Wha- No!'' She exclaimed shocked by how well he read her, or maybe she just hadn't checked her makeup well enough and maybe her jaw might still be trembling a bit but…''Okay, maybe.'' She added. ''Yes.'' She then softly said. ''I'm sorry.''

He grabbed her hand and squeezed it softly, then stepped inside the living room.

''I just…-'' She started quietly. ''-I was at my dad's and he told me I'd gotten too skinny and of course my stupid brain had to treat that like a compliment, and then I told him about the undercover-thing, and then he'd bought these cookies I used to love as a kid and he was so sweet and I just couldn't disappoint him but then when I came home I just..-'' she sighed as she fell into the cushions. ''I'm pathetic.''

'''Hey, you're not pathetic!'' He said as he sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms. Maybe they'd been ignoring personal space lately, but that might just be what she needs.

Then she looked up at him.

''But uh, yesterday was okay. I had spaghetti Bolognese for dinner?'' The statement came out more like a question and she felt like a little girl trying to make her parents smile after showing them her terrible report card.

He didn't answer but she knew he smiled as she buried her face back into his chest. She'd been so weak with him; so vulnerable, and she was shocked by how natural it felt.

That didn't mean the wall was down, because she knew that the weak, vulnerable girl would be fun to play for a while, but eventually she would get hurt; no matter what. It might not even be his fault, nor hers, but she knew she would end up hurt. And she wasn't ready for that.

''Small steps.'' He said, his voice muffled by her hair and she nodded against him.

''Yeah.'' She said. ''Small steps.''

**I just wanted to get this up here before tomorrow. As from tomorrow there will be a bit of a hiatus, for about two weeks. As I have explained earlier; due to the exchange project. After that I hope to get started with the rehab-thing (: **

**Let me know what you're thinking? **


	12. Chapter 12

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER TWELVE

…

The car ride was silent; the air filled with tension and fear, and neither of them spoke a word as she turned to the right and passed a few buildings. –only a few, because for as far as she could see they were in the middle of nowhere, in some kind of forest.

His hand was on her leg; and no matter how tensed and uncomfortable she was feeling; she was driving, like always. She needed that piece of security; comfort.

When she parked the car in front of the big building, surrounded by trees and what seemed like in the middle of a forest, he gave it a gentle squeeze before he opened the door and stepped out.

She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down a little, then a little while later, followed his example and walked up to the back of the car. He'd already opened it up and was taking out her suitcases.

She helped him and in silence they emptied the trunk. Then both of them wordlessly grabbed a suitcase and started walking to the entrance.

Not a word was said, but the gently squeeze of a hand and his small watery smile said everything.

The trees gently swayed into the wind and the fact that the center was stationed in a forest somehow gave it a creepy-looking appearance. She felt like there were people behind the obscured windows watching them with creepy, knowing smiles on their faces.

_(soon you will be one of us; the sneaky ones, even sneaker than you were before you got here) _

The only sound were their feet and the wheels of the suitcases on the pavement; quiet and timid yet piercing the silence.

The doors automatically opened and she looked at him before they stepped inside.

_(now you're in and we all know you'll never get out, not really)_

Everything looked the same as the last time they were there; walls and floor green, a reception on the right and an empty waiting room on the left. Before they even sat down, someone stepped out of an office and walked up to them.

''Nicole Jones?'' The middle-aged, blonde woman asked while looking at the small notation pad she was holding.

She turned her head to look at Castle who sent her a comforting smile. She was happy he came with her; to the boys and Gates this, too, seemed like acting but it seriously scared the shit out of her. She was happy he was here.

''That's me.'' She said with a small smile as she stood up and offered the woman her hand. ''Hi.''

''Hi, Nicole, I'm Denise.'' She said with a sugar sweet, overly wide smile and a voice that made her feel even more uncomfortable. She felt like she was being treated like a child.

She did her best to smile back politely and reached for her suitcases, but Denise put her hand on her forearm to stop her; making her inwardly cringe slightly.

''You do not need those just yet.'' She said. ''We will talk in my office first.'' Then she beckoned her to follow her through the way too brightly green-colored halls.

Castle hadn't moved yet; was still seated in one of the chairs with his hand resting on the lever of the white suitcase.

''Castle, you coming?'' She softly asked.

He looked surprised that she'd even asked and hesitantly stood up.

''You can leave your suitcases here, we have cameras hanging up here.'' Denise explained, and Kate knew that that was vital information for the case, but she was too worried about the rest too realize it.

She didn't answer and the three of them made their way to one of the offices on the end of the hall in silence.

Denise opened the door and told them to hang their coats next to the door, which they did.

When they turned around she stuck out her hand towards Castle.

''Hello, I'm Denise Lawrence.'' She greeted.

''Nice to meet you.'' He said with a bright smile, but she knew that during book signings and interviews he'd had plenty of practice with fake smiling, and that this was one of them. ''I'm Rick Castle.''

Then all of them sat down; Denise in the big black chair on one end of the desk; Castle and Beckett on the other side, on two smaller, blue ones.

''So,-'' The woman started while flipping through some pages. ''-emergency hospitalization because you're afraid of falling back into old habits?'' She seemed particularly uninterested and Kate had to ball her fists to keep herself from verbally lashing out.

She hummed.

''Yes.'' She then simply replied.

''Alright; just fill in these forms and then I'll walk you through the building and show you your room; explain everything.'' She said as she shoved a few files her way.

As she started reading through the papers, containing (fake, although Denise didn't know that) her medical information and loads of other stuff, she felt Castle putting his hand on her slightly shaking leg.

Although she wished she could say the shaking stopped; she didn't.

''Listen, Detective.'' Denise then spoke, starling the both of them by the use of her title. ''I don't like this at all. I don't work around here, and you'll probably won't see me again after this, but please stay out of those girls' lives as much as possible because you have no idea how fragile they are.'' She said as she sat op straight, her eyes boring through Kate's.

''I-um, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were aware of the whole.. undercover thing.'' She started. ''-but I have to say that I don't like this either. I don't like this at all and I wish I didn't have to do this, but there is no other way. I promise I'll be as discrete as possible.''

His resulted in a small nod from the older woman.

''The rest of the people here have no idea of this all, so… good luck, I guess then.'' She said as they all stood up.

''Thank you.''

…

A few minutes later a short, older woman walked into the room.

''Hello.'' She said smiling; she looked sweet, nice, even. She didn't close the door behind her and held her hand on the doorknob.

''Hi.'' They reacted in unison, causing the woman to chuckle slightly.

''Well aren't you a cute couple.'' She smiled. ''My name is Andrea.''

''Nice to meet you Andrea; I'm Nicole, this is Rick.'' She said as she shook the woman's hand.

''Nice to meet you too.'' She said. ''Well, if you get your suitcases, I will lead you to your room and give you a tour.''

They did so, and not long after that the three of them were walking through the long, empty, overly green colored hallways.

''This is the living room.'' She said as she opened a door and lead them into a room, no bigger than the living room of her own apartment; if not smaller.

Silently she followed the woman into the room, Castle following her closely.

On their left side, the windows looked out over a small balcony that held some flowers and plants in ugly and overly obvious self-made pots. In the back of the room, two ugly red sofas and a few big chairs were facing a big old television that was placed on a table against a wall that held a few messy self-made paintings with quotes that she figured were supposed to be motivating.

''This is where we sit with the group to just… relax. You can't have your cellphone in here, and this place is strictly for group members, so no visitors.'' Andrea explained as she moved through the room.

A little closer to them, a pool table stood, balls sprawled out over the green background.

''You can watch TV in here, play some games, chat. We would like it to look more homey but the budget is too low.' She shrugged. ''And here's the kitchen and the dinner table.''

They moved to the other side of the room and entered the crème colored, old-school kitchen.

''Every week a few girls cook together; it's really a lot of fun.'' She started with a smile that was clearly supposed to awaken some enthusiasm, which it didn't. ''But we'll come back on that later.''

Both Andrea and Castle were painfully aware of how Kate hadn't yet said anything, or even acknowledged that she heard what the woman was explaining.

''What do you think?'' He then carefully tried.

''Great.'' She said emotionlessly as she stared into the space in front of her.

The others quickly looked each other in their eyes, but then Andrea – who was probably used to this kind of behavior by now – continued.

She heard them speak but their voices didn't quite register in her mind because all she heard were useless blurs. Because this was where she was going to spend the next few –days, weeks, months?- and even though it might be not real it was so fucking scary and it all felt so surreal.

To be honest; she expected to wake up any moment now.

How many times hadn't she been here already? But every time it had ended with her waking up sweaty in sticky; but safe and sound in her own bed at home, with everybody around her still oblivious.

Then, before she knew it, they were standing in the hallway again.

''Here's the bathroom.'' She could hear Andrea say vaguely, and whilst her lips kept moving Kate didn't hear anything anymore. Later she would only remember blurry bits and flashes of being lead through the hallways and looking at some rooms, and for now she would just follow the two like a zombie.

…

''Kate?''

The sound of Castle's worried voice pulled her away from her thoughts.

''Kate?''

His hand on her shoulder.

She felt her legs get wobbly underneath her and she had to sit down on the uncomfortable looking white hospital bed. Somehow they'd ended up in a bedroom –she guessed it was hers now- that was empty except for the bed, a small desk with a plastic chair and a wardrobe.

It wasn't small, and the vacantness of it only made it look bigger.

''Are you okay?'' He asked concerned.

''Yeah. Yes sure. I just-'' She stammered. It felt like she'd missed the entire tour through the clinic although she was sure she'd been there. Her mind just had been somewhere completely else. ''-just a little overwhelmed.'' She then honestly admitted.

Andrea seemed to have already left because only Castle and herself were left in the room.

Quietly he sat down next to her on the bed, his right hand on her shoulder; left one on the handle of one of the suitcases.

''You'll be okay.'' He then said, staring at the empty white wall across from them.

She shrugged. She didn't feel anything; just emptiness, and that scared her.

Rehab, hospitals, all those kinds of clinic had always given her that empty, lonely feeling; like those empty hallways and the doors of which you would never know what was behind them; the screams you would sometimes hear that no one bothered to answer and the too silent silence at night.

And now she was in one of them and only god knew for how long.

''You wanna unpack?'' He asked her, but she shook her head and pulled the sleeves of her sweater further down her arms, her right hand holding her left wrist tightly.

''No. I just-'' She started, but her empty gaze and pale face betrayed her.

''Do you want me to help? Do something?'' He pushed.

She pulled her legs upon the bed.

''No. Just go home Castle.'' She said, still not looking at him. ''I'll be fine.'' She added when she didn't hear or feel him move away from her.

''Are you sure, because I ca-''

''Yes.'' She interrupted him. ''Just go home. I'll give you a call tonight, okay?'' She'd now turned towards him while he was standing in front of her, and he held out his hand as a gesture for her to get up.

She didn't.

Her body felt lifeless; her limps like they were made out of jello.

She didn't really remember much of how he left and what he said when he closed the door –it had been something, but she hadn't been able to focus- and when she heard he door fall into its lock, she let herself fall back down on the bed; body sprawled all over the mattress.

The room was cold and way too white.

Although the walls and the stupid-ass other room's had been overly colorful –up until the point where she felt like throwing up from all the stupid girly, childish stuff- this room was empty. All empty. All white.

So goddamn typically hospital like.

And it all seemed so real now.

Because well, it was real. Fucking real.

…

**Hmm. Kind of an uneventful chapter; I know. Also I skipped a few days in time because I found the time in between going to rehab rather… uninterestingly stressful. **

**Hope you liked it, the next few are gonna be all drama again, and I hope to fit the case somewhere in between as well, haha. **


	13. Chapter 13

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

…

After what feels like five minutes, but in reality was half an hour Kate is awoken by a soft knock on the door. Slowly she sits up straight and tries to even out some crinkles in the blue button down she's wearing.

''Yes?'' She answers, her voice wavering a little.

The doorknob turns, and slowly the door opens, revealing a blonde girl, not older than a year of sixteen. Saying she was thin would have been an understatement, but then again; probably everyone in here was.

''Hey.'' Kate says awkwardly while she gets up from the bed. ''Come in.''

The girl doesn't say anything; she looks a little-

-scared.

''I'm K- Uh- Nicole.'' She says, smiling to cover up the stutter.

''Hi, I- uh, I'm Samantha. But everyone calls me Sam.'' The girl smiles back nervously. She looks shy, insecure. She hasn't taken more than a step of three inside the room and is shyly taking it in.

''Yeah, I haven't unpacked much yet.'' Kate offers shrugging. ''Won't be here for that long anyway.'' She says.

The girl smiles at her, almost sympathetic. She must have heard that one before.

''I-uh. I just wanted to say hello; look if I could help you with anything.'' She says, then clears her throat. ''So-uh, can I help you with anything?''

Kate shakes her head. She doesn't want the girl rummaging through her personal belongings. Everything would be checked by the staff tonight, to see if she'd brought any 'forbidden stuff'. Esposito and Ryan would stop by in a few hours to keep all the police/undercover-related stuff in the car until it was safe to bring back inside. She didn't understand why Gates couldn't have made some kind of deal that would mean she was being left alone and not forced to go to these stupid meeting and eat the stupid food.

''No, thanks for the offer though.'' She politely declines.

''I guess I'll go then.'' The blonde says awkwardly. She looks so tiny, so broken, and it's just a painful reminder of how Kate herself could've turned out if only she had been 'strong' enough. She wants to hug the girl; tell her it will all be okay.

But that would be a big _fat_ lie. Because of course it isn't going to be okay; it's never going to be okay. Maybe it will get better, but it will never be _okay_.

''No!'' She hears herself saying before she has even thought this through.

Sam turns around, her expression surprised.

''I mean- you- maybe you could give me a tour? I uh- didn't really get much out of the first one.'' She says with an awkward chuckle.

''Yeah sure!'' She answered and Kate swears she sees some kind of excitement or relieve in the girl's eyes. ''Nobody ever does; way too hazed.'' She says whilst rolling her eyes.

Sam leads her out of her room and the green of the hallways almost stings in her eyes. Before they've even taken three steps away from the room, a short girl with her iPod plugs in turns around the corner.

When Sam catches sight of her she gestures her to come over here, which she does. She takes out the ear buds and smiles at Kate.

''Hey, Megan, this is Nicole. She's new here.'' Sam speaks.

''Hey Nicole.'' Megan says smiling; she looks oddly relaxed and almost happy. She's pretty; long hair, black as ebony and fair skin. ''I'm Megan; twenty-four, 'recovering'-'' she laughs at the word, not mocking or questioning it, but just stating the obvious, ''-bulimic.''

It surprises Kate how open the girl is; how smile-y, how relaxed and comfortable she looks.

''Oh, hi. I'm Be-Nicole.'' –shit, she really needs to work on the name-thing.

''Ah you're not gonna share either?'' The girl mocks her, laughing friendly. ''God, I've been in this shithole for exactly eight months and eighteen days now and no-one has shared on the first day.''

She laughs. Whatever, it's just ''undercover'' anyway.

''Well, alright. I am thirty-two and anorexic and bulimic but I don't fit the standards for that first one, so they just call me crazy.'' She rolls her eyes. It's weird; to be this open with a total stranger. But the girl seems nice, and she brings such a warm vibe that she just feels like she should do this.

''Oh my god Sammy!'' She squeals. ''We have a sharer!'' She laughingly hugs the younger girl, and Kate cringes slightly, afraid Sam's gonna break. Then the black-haired girl turns to Kate. ''Nicole, I will teach you my ways, and we are going to have a whole shitload of fun!'' She grins.

Fun? Seriously. The girl seems nice, well, really nice and fun actually, but Kate can not imagine having fun in such a shithole –as Megan called it earlier- She wants to believe it, though, so she chuckles.

''Well, I have to get to the shrink so eh, I'll see you guys around.'' She says, winking at Kate mischievously.

When Megan is gone, Samantha speaks up.

''Well, that's Megan. She's crazy cheerful all the time; says she's used to it here. She's a lifer, you know?'' She asks with a fake shudder. ''But she keeps it all inside. Destroys herself. She's friends with everybody but nobody; everyone is nice and sweet but she cannot let herself get too close, because everybody leaves, and she never does.''

Kate doesn't reply. That must be awful.

Five minutes later Samantha's knocking on another door; the other side of the hall where Kate's room is, three doors to the right.

''Who's it?'' Someone groans.

''It's me. Sam.''

Then the door opens and a tall, ash blonde lets them in. Kate lets her eyes wander; takes in the room. It's a mess; two beds, one on either side of the room. Both are covered by brightly colored blankets that she guesses they took from home, and stuff is piled upon them. In the middle of the room, two desks stand against each other; if you would sit in the chairs you would face each other, but there's a barricade of books in between.

One side of the room's walls is covered with posters of topless, muscled guys and the other is covered with drawings and paintings.

The girl who opened the door looks trashy and Kate guesses the right side –with the guys- of the room must belong to her.

''Oh, the new girl.'' She notes, looking bored. ''Welcome to hell Sweetie.'' She says. Her voice is raw and low; she's chewing on gum and her finger nails –although covered with chipped black nailpolish- and teeth are yellow. She must either purge or smoke.

Probably both, though.

''Hey.'' Kate speaks, ignoring the girl's last comment. ''I'm Nicole.''

''Leslie.'' She answers. ''Jamie's outside; smokin'. She'll be back in ten I guess, I'm sure she'll wanna meet ya.''

''Jamie's your roommate?'' Kate asks.

Leslie nods, but Samantha interrupts her.

'Actually my friends are dropping off some more stuff of mine so I think I need to get back.'' Kate awkwardly offers.

The two of them nod and then Samantha gets up and walks towards the door.

Kate gets up from the bed and follows the younger girl. She wonders who, and how old the youngest girl in here is. She'll probably be the oldest, with thirty-two, but she's heard of eleven year old anorexics before.

She hopes not, because she's not sure if her heart can handle that. Sixteen is bad enough.

…

Dinner. Kate - 'Nicole' and Samantha arrive last. Nine other girls and Andrea are already sitting at the table. When they walk into sight, eight of the girls immediately start whispering. It's kind of uncomfortable, but Kate forces herself to smile, and sits down at one of the free chairs; next to Megan and a bony brunette.

''Hey, girls!'' One of the older girls – that appears to be part of the staff, and not a rehabilitant- exclaims. ''This is Nicole Jones, she's new here. Let's do a name round?''

A few girls roll their eyes, but others smile excitedly.

''I'll start.'' She says. ''I'm Jenna. I help in the kitchen and if you have any problems, you can come to me.'' She says smiling. She's pretty; probably as old as Kate, straight brown hair that only just touches her shoulders and she's not fat, nor skinny. Just pretty.

''Leslie. We already met.'' Leslie says, sending Kate a half-smile.

''Jamie.'' The girl next to her said. She wore glasses and looked slightly nerdy, yet pretty. Her hair was faint red, and she couldn't help but think that it must have looked like Alexis' when the girl was healthier. Now it just held a greyish glow that muffled the red. Her hair was curly and reached all the way to her back.

''Well, we already met as well. Sam.'' She said.

Then the girl next to her spoke up, finally facing the rest of the girls instead of hiding her face behind her hair. Her skin was pale, almost held a greyish glow, and so was her hair. She must have been very beautiful, but she looked like she was dying, and Kate felt bad for the girl.

''Christina.'' She said. Her eyes were empty, and that wouldn't have been strange, since everybody here was broken; but they weren't caused by pain or hurt; the girl looked evil, angry, and to be honest, she scared Kate a little. She looked like she came straight from a horror movie.

''I'm Andrea.'' The older woman smiled. ''We already met, as well.''

The girl with the pixie-cut next to her nervously fumbles with the edge of placemat ''Stephanie.'' She says; her fingers are trembling and Kate figures she must be pretty new here as well.

''We met!'' Megan smiles before Kate has any more time to think about the last girl. ''She was the first sharer!'' She exclaims excitedly, earning a small eye roll from the rest, but she didn't seem to care.

''I'm Willow.'' The younger brunette next to her then said, being the last one. The girl reminded her of herself; she was young, probably just a little older than Sam and was nervously staring at her still empty plate.

To be honest, she was a little nervous herself; what would they serve, how much was she supposed to eat, what would they do to her if she didn't?

But it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be; apparently everyone had their own mealplan and everyone was supposed to eat different amounts of food. Andrea told her that since she didn't have a mealplan yet, she could eat a little less than the others –this of course, earning her a couple of jealous and envious stares of the other girls- so she ended up forcing quite some salad and a little rice down her throat.

Kate offered to help with the dishes, and after they'd cleaned up in silence; all deep in their own thoughts, Megan spoke up.

''Hey, Nicole, you coming?'' She said; standing in the doorway already.

''What? Where to?''

''You wanna watch tv? It's cool, usually.''

''Sure.'' She agreed; it might be a great place to get to know the other girls, both for personal and work reasons, and besides, she didn't know what else she would do.

When they arrived in the living room, Willow, Stephanie and Sam were already seated on the sofa and Jamie sat in a big chair with her legs pulled up under herself.

''Hey guys, scoot!'' Megan said while she wriggled herself in between the girls on the couch.

She walked towards the empty chair and sat down. Some kind of commercial about washing stuff was playing and Willow and Sam were engaged in a heated discussion about which guy from some boyband was the hottest, while Jamie was reading a book.

''What are we watching?''

''CSI reruns.'' Willow replied while she grabbed another pillow and perched in on top of her lap.

''Oh!'' Megan then suddenly exclaimed. ''Nicole, those guys that came by before dinner, who were they?''

Shit. She hadn't made any kind of deal with Castle and they boys yet.

''Oh, that's Javier and Kevin, they're just my friends, came by to drop off some things I forgot.''

''Hm.'' Megan replied and her tone was suspiciously like Lanie's when she lectured her on her 'Castle-issues'. ''The darker one was hot though!'' She then said with a sly smile, obviously trying to read Kate's expression.

_I am so not going to join this conversation. _She shuddered.

''No! The other one, he was cute!'' Sam spoke.

''Guys, guys!'' Kate interrupted them. ''Sorry, but Kevin's married and Javi is in some complicated relationship as well, so eh, too bad.''

The girls fake-pouted and giggled before the show started again; Kate had already figured out who the killer was before even half of it was over, so it was pretty boring. Halfway though she had decided to think up a plan to close the case, but she couldn't imagine any of the girls here kill someone.

And Christina was scary, sure, but kill someone? She didn't look that way. After all those years of working with murderers, she'd seen them in every shape and size, but they all just had this certain glow –they tried to hide it in interrogation, but just as a person you could always see it- and Christina definitely hadn't.

Then her cellphone rang; alarming all four other girls.

''Shhh Nicole turn it off! Andea's gonna kill you!'' Jamie said, looking up from her book.

She quickly did so and picked it up.

''Hey Rick.'' She said, and she couldn't help but smile at hearing his oh-so-familiar voice.

**Let me know what you think?**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thanks for all of your ''have fun in Spain'' wishes and all reviews in general (: **

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

…

_Then her cellphone rang; alarming all four other girls._

''_Shhh Nicole turn it off! Andrea's gonna kill you!'' Jamie said, looking up from her book. _

_She quickly answered the call and the ringing stopped. Hastily she made her way towards the door. _

''_Hey Rick.'' she said, and she couldn't help but smile at hearing his oh-so-familiar voice. _

''Beckett.'' she heard him say. He sounded relieved, almost nervous. ''How are you?''

''I'm- I'm good.'' she said, and it wasn't even that much of a lie.

''How is it there?'' he asked.

She walked through the hallways that were fairly empty right now; trying to find her way back to her room.

''I… It's… The people are nice for as far as I've seen. Haven't done much yet.'' she answered while she fumbles with the hem of her shirt. ''Ryan and Espo came to drop off some stuff but we haven't really started the- the 'project' yet. Just looking around, gathering basic information.''

He hums.

''Can I come to see you tomorrow?'' he asks.

She opens the door and sits down on her bed. her stuff is still untouched in her suitcases and she's too tired to actually open them and start making herself at 'home'.

''You can't.'' she softly says. ''No visitors until I'm up to a thousand.''

She hates it; she feels as if she's never gonna make it up to a thousand – not to a healthy thousand, at least.

And a thousand probably isn't even half of what her final goal will be.

''A thousand what? Points?'' he asks confused.

''Calories.'' she replies. ''I'm meeting the nutritionist tomorrow and we'll schedule a meal plan. But I know the way they work here and it will probably take time. They might even reduce my intake at first so they can gradually increase it.'' It's hard; talking about it so openly and straight to the point.

''But…'' he starts. ''You're undercover right? So, I mean, Gates can take care of it right? I thought she'd take of your food as well?''

She can hear he's a little panicky.

''Castle…'' she softly starts. ''Ryan and Espo dropped off some food yesterday. High calorie crap that will last for about a week or so.'' (But she's not going to eat it and they both know that.)

''I don't want you to go through this alone.'' he says quietly. ''I want to help. I don't know anything about calories and nutrition but I will learn okay? So I can help even after this case, because I want you to get better.''

''I already told you-'' she starts but her voice trails off because she doesn't really want to say the words because she knows that maybe somewhere deep down they are not true.

She wants to get better, but she doesn't want to always keep that longing.

He doesn't answer to that and she knows he doesn't agree. Somehow the knowledge that he doesn't want her to be sick makes her feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

''We can call…'' she offers with a small smile on her lips, even though he's not there to see it.

''How long will it take you to get to a thousand? How much do you eat now?'' he asks.

She swallows thickly and inwardly curses because _god, that's like asking how much she weighs or how many men she's slept with, or…_

''Depends.'' she says. ''Sometimes a lot, sometimes not so much.'' (and sometimes nothing)

Getting to a thousand shouldn't be hard for her, because it's only the first goal and really it is not _that_ much. Getting there healthily however, is. She sometimes would consume much more than a thousand kcal a day; only then starve until five and then eat everything a 'normal' person was supposed to eat throughout the whole day at the same time. Whether or not she would actually let it stay in her body was the question, but sometimes it did.

Sometimes she would starve for two days and then feel guilty about it and binge all the calories she was supposed to eat over two days. (and then feel guilty about that and starve for two days and repeat.)

He seems to sense this is a touchy subject for her and keeps his mouth shut.

''I'll call you tomorrow and tell you what the nutritionist said, okay?'' she says.

''Okay.'' he says. ''I'll hear from you tomorrow. Sleep tight.''

He doesn't hang up. She doesn't respond.

''Castle?'' she then hesitantly asks.

''Yeah?'' he hums.

''Can you please- can you please not tell the guys any of this?'' she asks as her fingers toy with the hem of her bed sheets.

''I thought we'd already agreed on that one?''

''No I mean, please don't tell them about the meal plans and the therapy and the eating and..- I don't want to lie to them but I have to. You understand?''

He hums in agreement.

''They wouldn't understand. I'll update them every day about the case but they don't need to know any specifics about what I am doing here, even if they think it's all a cover.''

''I understand. Goodnight Kate.''

''Goodnight.'' she sighs.

…

She doesn't go back to the living room to watch TV. She doesn't even get up and open her suitcase or change her clothes. She just falls down on the bed and asleep, only to wake up in the middle of the night to pull on her PJ's.

She doesn't even notice the staff checking all the rooms.

…

''Good morning!'' a cheerful voice says.

(god, I hate happy people in the morning)

She groans and turns around.

''Nicole? Breakfast in thirty minutes!''

(get the fuck out of my room!)

''Sure.'' she grumpily groans again.

She opens one eye and lets it adjust to the bright lights. White walls; only one window that she bets can not be opened; hospital bed.

Just like when she was shot. Great. Fucking great.

Five minutes later, after almost falling asleep again, she slowly sits up and runs her fingers through her hair.

(gotta face the day, right?)

She carefully swings her legs out of bed and shivers as her bare feet hit the cold floor.

After quickly washing her face, brushing her teeth and putting on some comfortable clothes (this all not without a struggle with her suitcase; not wanting to completely trash it – which obviously failed) she left and headed towards the dining room.

''Nicole!'' Megan called out. She was sitting at the table already, together with Sam, Leslie and Willow. Jamie was laying with her head in her arms; hair sticking out messily and groaning when Megan spoke up.

''Morning.'' Kate fake-smiled.

''Tired?'' Sam asks.

She nods.

''Yeah.''

She's not much of a talker in the mornings ; especially if she hasn't had her coffee yet.

Coffee. God, why does everything remind her of Castle? (she misses him already)

No. she doesn't. Of course she doesn't. Why would she? (she does)

She sits down next to Leslie who doesn't seem to even notice it and spends the next ten minutes listening to Megan and Sam chatting. Then Andrea enters the room, together with Jenna and Stephanie, who are holding plates and baskets with food.

The rest of the girls had already joined them on the table before.

After setting the table with a little help of the rest of the girls Jenna sits down on the head of the table, next to Kate. She leans towards her and quietly starts talking to her.

''You have an appointment with the nutritionist at ten, now just eat at least one slice of bread and drink a glass of milk.''

Milk. Shit.

''Wh-what kind of milk?'' she can't help but ask.

''It's low-fat.'' Jenna answers, then looks away. Kate isn't sure what that is supposed to mean, but she lets go of a breath softly.

Breakfast goes by fairly calmly, except for Willow who refuses to eat more than half a slice of bread –even though she had to have two. They eventually got her to eat them anyway because they told her she couldn't see her boyfriend if she didn't eat them and apparently she's been looking forward to seeing him again for weeks.

It was an unfair game they played; prohibiting you things that were basically just human rights to get you to eat. She wonders if that is even legal.

She understands, though, why they do it. She knows it only to help them, but it's scary because she knows she will not leave without an encounter like this.

At nine forty-five (after cleaning up the table, watching Leslie and Christina bitch at each other, partly unpacking her suitcase and trying her best to hide her scar with makeup) she gets up to make her way to the nutritionist's office.

Apart from a cleaning-lady and some kind of lawyer or attorney that's angrily yelling into her phone the (still) sickly-green hallways are empty. She walks slowly; dragging her feet.

She doesn't want to go, because no matter how fake this all is to her co-workers; no matter the strategies they'd thought of to make her 'story' seem believable, this was real.

The scale was real; the measuring tape was real; the diet –apart from the food the precinct had given her, thinking she would need to eat more than this- was real.

Before she even knew it, she was standing in a small office across from an unnatural looking, shorthaired redhead. The woman must be as old as Kate herself and was wearing a soft pink shirt, denim jeans and ugly sneakers with a neon green detail in them. She wasn't stylishly dressed but somehow still looked very pretty.

''Hello. I am Doctor Morrison. You must be Nicole Jones?'' she said while she offered Kate her hand. ''Sit down.'' she gestured to the comfortable looking blue chair on the other end of the desk.

''So I went through your files and medical history, which is surprisingly clean, I must say.'' The doctor says while she grabs a brown folder and puts on a pair of black reading glasses. Gates had made sure 'Nicole Jones' had all the proper papers and files and a complete past.

''I have prepared a meal plan already, which I will discuss with you in a minute, but first I want to measure and weigh you just for sure. I might have to make a few changes in the plan. Are there any specialties that I must know about?'' she asks.

Kate hadn't spoken yet the whole time she'd been in the office, but the woman did not seem to mind. Now, however, answering the question seemed quite necessary.

''Um- no. Not that I know of.''

''Okay. Normally you would have to fill in a form before we'd admit you, but it says here you had to be admitted immediately because you were afraid you were falling back into old habits?''

Kate hums.

''Then I'm just going to ask these questions. I'm not your psychologist, but there are some questions regarding your feelings and emotions.'' she explains.

''Okay.''

''You have never been admitted before, is that right?''

''Yes.''

''Ok,'' the woman scribbles down a few words in that typical doctor's handwriting and then asks the following questions almost without looking up; constantly writing. ''You can choose one food that you really don't want to eat, which we will eliminate from your diet.'' she notes. ''No basic things like rice, pasta or potatoes.''

''Can I get back to you about this? I need some time to think about that.'' Kate replies a little nervously.

''Sure. I'll get back to you at the end of our meeting.'' Then the doctor just keeps on firing questions about past injuries, sports, jobs, family history (ouch), etc etc.

More than twenty minutes have passed when she finally puts the folder down.

''Alright then, let's get you measured and weighed.'' She says as she stand up. ''Please strip down to your underwear.''

That thought made her stiffen up a little; she was scared, didn't want anyone to see her in her underwear because she knew that in the eyes of this doctor she would be considered one of the more healthy patients. And healthy meant not skinny. And not skinny meant fat.

She didn't protest, though, and obediently stripped down behind the curtain while the doctor got everything ready.

''If you're ready you can come out.'' Dr. Morrison said.

She stepped out from behind the curtain and took a deep breath while she sucked in her stomach and crossed her arms in front of her upper body.

''There is no need to feel insecure.'' The woman smiled at her reassuringly. ''Nothing to be ashamed of, I've seen everything already. Please step on the scale.''

She was trembling as she put her feet onto the silver-coloured scale. She didn't want to see the number and didn't want the doctor to see the number.

She was the heaviest out of all girls here; the least boney and skinny. Maybe that was the dangerous things about her disorder; it was not easily visible. She ate enough to cover up the starvation and puking and whatever she lost she also gained.

But it wasn't healthy, and she was too skinny, but nobody knew of that ''too'' part. Because nobody cared enough to notice.

Up until Castle came along.

''Try to stand still please.''

The doctor read the number of the scale and noted it down. Her stomach clenched. She hated the number, hated the scale, hated herself.

She should not be this heavy.

…

**Not such a long chapter but I hope to update soon.**

**Also, fun fact; I did not choose the name Nicole on purpose. I only later realized it was another version of Nikki. So yeah. Probably sounds a bit like Castle-cliché but it's purely by accident, haha.**

**Let me know what you think?**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I am the worst updater ever. Not even gonna bother with an excuse, lol. **

**I hope you are all still with me. **

**(oh and just adding this, I totally died during After the Storm oh my god) **

**DAMAGED GOODS**

_CHAPTER 15_

The appointment with the nutritionist left Kate feeling pretty bummed for the rest of the day, and the visit to her shrink didn't help much either. Maybe what bothered her almost as much as the numbers on the scale and the tape, was the fact that even though this woman was older, Caucasian and definitely _not_ Dr. Burke, she still felt as though she was telling him (one of the few people she even dared to speak to about her emotions) her deepest, darkest secrets. The things that even _he_ could not know. She couldn't open up to this woman, and they ended up awkwardly sitting in the shrink's office for 45 minutes that were only filled with some standard questions and one 'It's okay if you feel a little depressed today, it's a lot to take in' and one 'almost everyone reacts like this in the beginning'.

She could already tell she wasn't going to like these appointments (like she hadn't known that beforehand).

Before she knew it she'd had lunch, a snack and dinner and she was already back in her room with no more information on the case than she'd had before she came here.

She felt almost numb and her eyes drifted shut when she laid down on her bed. The room still smelled like a weird mix of hotel- and hospital-room, and the sheets were way too thin, sterilized and white.

She laid there for almost half an hour with her eyes closed, but not asleep. All that was spooking through her mind was how _he_ would be, were _he_ would be right now, and when she would get to see him again.

Pathetic, she told herself.

But then she started wondering whether or not he would still even _want_ to come and visit her, because even though he might have acted like he cared, it was just as likely that we was disgusted by her.

Who'd want to kiss the puking girl, anyway?

…

Being here alone was hard enough already, and investigating a murder at the same time did not at all look attractive to Kate after having lunch. Sadly enough, 'not feeling like investigating' would probably not be enough of an excuse for her to be taken off undercover duty, so she tentatively knocked on Christina's door.

''Who is it?'' a small voice sounded from behind the door. Then some shuffling was to be heard and the door opened slightly; revealing the blonde girl. ''What do you want?'' she then asked, almost rudely as she tucked a strand of dead, thin hair behind her ear.

''Can I come in?'' Kate asked.

''No.''

She shifted her weight from one foot to another and nervously and looked down, taking the girl's appearance in. She was wearing a grey sweater that was way too big for her, and the sleeves covered her hands.

Despite her harsh answer, the girl actually opened the door wider and stepped back. A little confused Kate entered the room, and looked as Christina sat down on her bed; her bony legs tucked under her scrawny body. She had dark bags underneath her eyes; they easily caught Kate's attention since they stood out so clearly against her colourless skin.

She didn't speak and just sat there, quietly pulling on the dead skin surrounding her nails.

''So…'' Kate awkwardly began speaking as she settled into the uncomfortable chair standing next to the window.

''You're different,'' Christina then suddenly said, her voice low and hoarse.

The girl's admission startled the her a little; would she have figured it out?

''-more pulled together,'' she continued. ''You've learned to hide it.''

It's creepy the way the girl reads her, the way she observes her, together with her looks and the atmosphere in the room.

The room is messy, but there's not a lot of colour except for brown, grey and light blue. The floor is clean and the bed is empty, but the desk is filled with crumpled papers, pens, and all kinds of accessories.

''I'm sorry,'' she then says as she bows her head again and stares at the fabric of her bedsheets. ''I tend to do that sometimes, creepily read people.''

''S'okay,'' Kate says. She's confused by the way the girl acts; when she first met her she'd honestly been a little scared by her, and the whole air around her seemed to be creepy, dark and mysterious, but now as she was sitting on her bed, tiny and almost drowning in her sweater, all that Kate felt was sympathy for her. Because she was just a girl.

''So, why did you want to talk to me?'' Christina asks.

''I don't know,'' Kate starts, ''I didn't really get a chance to talk to you yet, and I thought…'' her voice falters slightly, unsure of what to say. She usually didn't really have any problems with undercover operations; with fitting in, blending in, talking to people, but this one was different. This one was different, because it was personal. ''I thought- well, since we're all stuck here…''

''Right,'' the girl replies awkwardly.

''Well, anyway, my name is Nicole?'' the statement came out like a question.

''I know.''

Silence filled the room, again, and Kate started wondering how the hell she was going to get any information out of this girl without clearly letting the desperation shine through.

''I'm sorry, Nicole, I'm sure you are a nice person – in fact, you seem nicer than the rest of those bitches in here- but I'm kind of having a rough day and I'd really just like to be alone right now,'' Christina pierced the silence as she ran her hand through her hair.

Kate could see how the girl had pulled out whole strands of hair by only lightly going through it with her fingers, and she felt bad for her.

''Oh- ok. I- I understand,'' she nods as she stands up from the chair.

The girl forces a small smile upon her lips as Kate leaves.

''See you tomorrow,'' she says quietly, hoping to be of any comfort.

…

As she's retreated to her room after dinner she is suddenly hit by the realization that she was actually hoping Christina didn't have anything to do with the case; how _biased_ she actually was even though she'd only known the girl for less than two days.

The blonde had been silent during dinner; like she'd been for all of their meals or group-activities, but this time she'd purposefully avoided eye-contact with Kate, and it had made her feel awkward, even around the others. She'd politely declined Megan's invitation to watch television with her, and Sam's invite to come to her room to talk. But even Megan's smile hadn't been as bright as it had been yesterday.

There was just something about today.

She fiddles with her phone, restlessly, like she's done for the past few hours. She wants to call him- no, she wants to see him. But she can't. She can't, and she shouldn't and she- ugh. The only thing that is able to take her mind off of the thoughts running crazy through her head is to think about something else and make the mess even bigger.

She's been spending her free time just noting down things about the case on a note on her phone. It's not much though, and she doubts if they will gain anything from this whole operation.

She's changed into sweats and a tanktop, showered and got ready for bed, but then continued to lay there, still wide awake with thoughts so loud she could actually feel them bouncing through her head. It drove her crazy.

She sighs and gives in as she presses on the 'call' button. He's first on her speed-dial list, but he'll never get to know that little fact about her. He would never let her live that one down.

He picks up on the second ring, and something about the hopeful way he says hello makes her think that he's been waiting for her to call him with his phone in his hand all day.

''Hey,'' she replies. ''How are you?''

''Good, good, good,'' he mumbles mindlessly, ''I've been writing, took Alexis out for lunch…'' he continues.

''Great,'' she replies, and then; ''Hey, Castle?''

''Yeah?''

''Could you ask the guys to come over tomorrow? The three of you? There's something I need to talk to you about.''

''Yeah, of course,'' he answers, ''I'll call them in a minute or so.''

''Thanks,'' she says.

They're silent for a little while and she can hear music quietly playing in the background.

''It's horrible here,'' she whispers, ''-those girls, god, Castle, they're- oh- fuck,'' she curses.

Before she knows it all of her fears come spilling out her and she knows she is only capable of talking to him about all of this because it's night and she is vulnerable, and she can't see his face through the phone, but she just needs someone to talk to and even though she knows she is going to regret this so much, she doesn't stop herself.

''They're so young Rick!'' she cries out, ''It's so sad, and it makes me so sad, and everything is so lonely and empty and- fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.'' Tears are rolling down her cheeks and she doesn't know whether he can hear her cry or not, but she violently wipes them away with the back of her hand and buries her head in the pillows of her bed. ''I just want to go home.''

He doesn't reply for a few minutes –or are they just seconds? She doesn't know.

''I know,'' he then answers, but it only makes her angry, because _no_, he doesn't know. He _doesn't_ know and he will never know. He will _never_ understand.

…

The first thing she does when she wakes up is text him. She's feeling incredibly embarrassed and guilty and she doesn't even remember what she cried to him about. The call had lasted about an hour or so and it had mostly been silence form his side and sobs from her.

**I'm sorry for everything I told you last night. I was tired and feeling terrible and I didn't have anyone else to talk to; I'm sorry. Please forget it. **

He replies within a minute.

**It's fine, I understand. Coming over around noon with Ryan & Espo.**

Before she has any time to think about replying, someone knocks on her door.

''Who is it?'' she calls out.

''It's Andrea, breakfast in fifteen minutes!''

''Okay!'' she replies while clumsily trying to put on her pants and sweater. If there's one thing she learned in the days she's been here, it's that this is not a fashion-show. Comfortable clothing are apparently the only appropriate things to wear. Not that she minded.

Within ten minutes she had left her room, trying to at least keep hanging on until noon.

…

**A/N: I first had Ryan/Espo/Castle coming over in this chapter, but I decided to split it up in two, so the next update will be quick (:**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Again, life got in the way.**

**DAMAGED GOODS**

_CHAPTER 16_

…

She's feeling terrible.

She's not allowed to have visitors, and the other girls are all staring at her –some wistful, some angry, and some just simply curious- as the three men barge in and she closes the door behind them. She feels guilty, she feels embarrassed and horrible.

''I can't do this,'' she blurts out as soon as she's standing with her back to the door.

All three men turn to look at her; Ryan and Esposito shocked and suspicious, Castle just concerned.

''What?'' Ryan is the first one to speak.

''I can't do this,'' she repeats, ''I can't.''

''Why?'' his partner ask her ask he steps forwards.

''I just-'' she sighs, ''-this whole thing, it's just- it's too hard. This is not just an undercover operation guys; those girls in here, they are people too, I can't betray them like this!''

''Yes, they are people who have possibly killed a sixteen year old girl Beckett!'' Esposito says, his voice a little louder than he intended. And then: ''I thought you liked going undercover? What's different now?''

''I'm in here all day and all night Espo! I can't even properly communicate with you guys!''

''You've done this before, what's changed?'' his voice is softer now, and even though his reply before was sharp and defensive, she knows he means well.

''I don't know, okay?'' she sighs, ''this stuff is just all messing with my mind.''

Everyone is silent, although she can see that Castle is trying to think of something to say.

Then she silently continues, ''I don't think we're going to find anything in here anyway. The only suspect we have does not want to talk to me and even if she will warm up to me, everyone already knows that I'm different. This is not a strong cover guys.''

''Maybe she's right,'' Castle tries carefully, ''-maybe she shouldn't be doing this.''

''Listen, I know Gates rushed you into this one Beckett, but there's a lot of pressure on us. The ones with the kids always attract a lot of press, and this situation is even worse, with the drugs and such. Gates is already pissed at us for taking so long,'' Esposito tells her.

''Guys,'' she sighs as she massages her forehead with one hand, ''-just, just tell her to either call me or come over here so we can talk, okay?''

''Sure,'' Ryan replies. ''So, have you found anything yet?''

She shakes her head.

''No, nothing at all. That's part of the reason why I don't think I should be here,'' she sighs. ''And really? I am twice their age, twice their size, I can't blend in!'' she exclaims, frustrated. She sees Castle opening his mouth in protest.

''You're not twice their size,'' is all that he eventually says.

Ryan and Esposito look at him; brows cocked.

''Seriously bro?'' Javier says, ''Are you seriously saying that she's like those girls in here? That's just rude. They look like they're dying.''

She chokes and uncomfortably pulls on the dead skin next to her thumb nail.

''Javi, it's okay,'' she says, trying to defend Castle, but she doesn't know what excuse to make for him. ''I- he's just-'' her voice trails off.

''Anyway,'' Esposito turns back to her, ''we brought you a bag with some other food in it, and we brought you your laptop.''

''Thanks guys,'' she says as she takes the bag from him and places it on her bed. ''I think you better go now, everyone was staring,'' she says apologetically.

The guys nod and leave the room; Esposito in front, Ryan behind him and Castle last. He sends her a comforting look before the door falls shut and she's all alone again.

…

Half an hour later there's a knock on the door. She frowns before closing her laptop and shoving it under the blankets on her bed so no one will see it.

When she opens the door, Castle appears, and instantly steps inside; quickly closing the door behind him.

''Castle?'' she says, confused. ''How did you get back in here?'' she asks.

''I-uh, I never left actually,'' he mumbles.

''Where the hell were you?''

''I told the guys I'd forgotten my phone and that I'd take a cab back to my place, and then I hid in the bathroom for half an hour because the hall was just constantly filled with people!'' he exclaims.

She almost laughs.

''What are you doing here?'' she then asks him.

''I thought you'd maybe like some company?'' he asks, almost unsure of himself as he awkwardly holds up a small backpack with his right hand. ''I- um, brought over some wine and- well, basically just a lot of stuff- I mean I don't know if you want it, but…-'' he stumbles over his words.

She smiles and steps aside.

He seems reassured by her smile and opens the backpack. ''I also brought some DVD's, I thought we could maybe watch that on your laptop, or you could watch them when you're alone.''

''Thanks,'' she mumbles.

''So, how was today really?'' he asks.

She shrugs. ''It sucked.''

She doesn't elaborate and he figures he should leave it at that. She sits down on her bed; feet tucked up underneath her. Then, she slowly speaks up again.

''Talked to Christina today. Don't think she did it.'' Her words are short and clear. He doesn't really know what to say.

''I wish I'd be in here too, you know, so you wouldn't be alone,'' he quietly tells her instead of responding to her previous statement.

Her eyes drop.

''I know.''

He is still standing in the middle of the room; there is only the bed and one chair to sit on, but sitting on the bed with her seems like crossing the line, and the chair in hidden underneath worn clothes and the backpack with food the boys dropped off. He doesn't want to clean it off.

It feels awkward to be with her, here. It seems more real but yet so unreal. It real, but it's fake, and she seems like a different person in here.

''Wanna watch a movie?'' he eventually just asks.

She smiles slightly and nods.

''Kay,'' she scoots down to sit in the left top corner of the bed; in the corner with her back against the headboard and the wall. Then, she leans forwards to grab the bag Esposito had put on the end of her bed and took her laptop out.

He just stands there, almost frozen with his hands hanging down the sides of his body, as he watches her turn on the computer. She looks so different from the Kate Beckett that he knew; way she's sitting there in her baggy clothing that are so different from the professional attire that she wore to work; the way her hair tumbles down her pale face almost lifelessly – she seems so weak, so broken. Her collarbones stick out where the big knitted sweater hangs off her shoulder, falls around her fragile bones.

''God, Kate,'' he sighs, unable to form any words or move, ''I- please- just,'' he stumbles. His throat hurts. He wants to just sit down beside her and watch a movie with her; it should be enough.

Except that it isn't.

She looks at him, a little confused.

''What's wrong?''

He briefly looks her in the eye, then looks away.

''I-'' he tries. Then he gestures her to come towards him, and to his surprise, she does.

He wraps his arms around her and can't stop the tears from forming in his eyes as he feels her ribs so clearly stand out. He buries his face into her neck and curses in her hair.

''Kate…'' he whispers hoarsely.

''I know,'' he replies before he has the chance to say anything more, ''I know.'' And then: ''I'm sorry.''

''Don't apologize,'' he replies. His eyes are clouded with unshed tears and he violently shuts them. ''I just wish I could help,'' he mumbles.

''You are. You already are,'' she mumbles into his chest.

…

**I didn't mean for this to be so short, but since it has been AGES since I updated this fic, I thought I'd better let you guys know I'm still alive! (: **

**(and for those who have been asking or just wondering, I will continue my other fics as well, it just might take some time because my life's pretty hectic right now)**

**Let me know what you think? **


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: I apologize for the incredibly delayed update (again). I kinda lost faith in this story, couldn't write anything I liked, and on top of that real life got very hectic too. So yeah, that made it hard to continue, and I think you guys might've already guessed that it is also hard for me to write this story even when I do know what I want to write.**

**I do really want to thank you guys for continuing to read and review my story even though I hadn't updated in forever. I can't thank you enough for your messages and reviews asking me to continue the story, or even sharing your stories/struggles with eating disorders with me. I don't think I can explain how much that means to me, even if I tried, so thank you so much guys! 3 **

**DAMAGED GOODS**

CHAPTER 17

…

She wakes up feeling unusually well-rested compared to the rest of the nights she's spent here, and to be honest, better than she has in a while.

She groans softly and turns around to find where Castle has gone, but she finds that the rest of the bed is empty. When she opens her eyes she sees him sitting on the chair next to the bed with her laptop on his lap.

''What are you doing?'' she asks, her voice lined with sleepiness.

''I'm just going through your notes, you don't mind do you?'' he replies, looking up at her, pretending that he hasn't been doing that ever since he woke up. ''How are you feeling?''

''Fine. Tired. Wanna sleep more,'' she sighs as she turns again so she's covered in the blankets with her back to him.

She soon starts to drift back off to sleep, but the moment before the falls, there's a firm knock on the door.

''Nicole, breakfast time!'' Andrea calls out, way too cheerfully.

Castle looks at her, eyes wide and body frozen. She almost laughs at him, but instead jumps out of bed.

''Get in the closet!'' she whispers forcefully as she points towards the door next to the bed.

''I'm not getting in the closet!'' he whispers back. ''Did you even see how many spiders were in there?''

She sends him a look but then pulls him with her and pushes him to stand next to the door opening, so that when it opens, he is behind it. She quickly runs her hands through her hair, suddenly remembering her appearance and self-consciously tries to hide her face from Castle.

''I'll be right there,'' she smiles at Andrea as she opens the door. The woman nods and leaves.

As soon as she closes the door, Castle lets out a big breath.

''You should listen to me!'' she scolds at him, but he doesn't answer and she only pretends to be bothered.

She gets a pair of socks from her still closed suitcase and puts them on.

''You should go,'' she tells him quietly. ''I think if you leave through the window and then just normally walk the path to the exit nobody will notice you.''

''I-'' he sputters, but he doesn't really have any arguments.

She stands up from where she was sitting and walks up to him.

''Thank you for coming over and- well, and staying,'' she murmurs softly as she kisses his cheek, so very, veru close to the corner of his mouth, and then she turns around and leaves without looking back, leaving him there standing alone in the middle of the room.

….

It's the middle of the night, barely five minutes after the staff checked up on everyone, when there's a quiet knock on the door. Kate groans and rolls over in her bed; covers her eyes with her arm.

Another knock.

''Nicole! Open the door!'' someone hisses.

She pushes herself upright and walks to the door.

''What is it?'' she groans as she opens the door to see a group of pyjama-clad girls with thick coats on stand on the other side. Megan and Sam are at the front.

''Put on some warm clothes and come on,'' Megan says and then turns around and leaves without saying any more. She has a bad feeling about this, and she doesn't really want to, but Kate still gets her coat and follows the girl, who is now already standing at Willow's door.

They quietly make their way through the empty hallways, none of them speaking as they pad towards the east wing of the building; there where the showers are.

''Where are we going?'' she asks.

''You'll see,'' Sam grins mischievously.

Eventually, they reach the end of the hallway and there is nothing but a window and a fire exit in front of them. First, she is confused but then Leslie takes a small key out of her pocket and unlocks the window. Sam is the first one to go through, and the rest soon follows.

They sit down on a two fallen tree trunks that are lying opposite to each other, behind some bushes that they almost landed in as they climbed out the window.

''So what are we doing here, exactly?'' Kate asks, finally daring to speak out loud.

The girls look at each other before Megan speaks up. She has noticed, in the few days that she's been here, that Megan seems to be the 'leader' of the group. Probably because she's been in this for so long.

''We go 'out' on Fridays. The staff doesn't know about this, or at least they pretend to be oblivious, so you better keep your mouth shut about it,'' she says seriously, slightly intimidating although not threatening.

Kate nods and watches as Leslie pulls out a pack of cigarettes out from beneath her coat. The girls smile and pass it around, all taking one and lighting it up. When Sam hands it to Kate, she hesitates. She hasn't smoked since high school, and had never thought about doing it again. She feels the girls' eyes on her, though, so she takes one out and puts in between her lips. Her hands shake from the cold as she lights it.

She coughs loudly as she inhales.

She girls giggle.

''Oh- wow,'' she coughs, and then when she finds her voice back: ''I haven't smoked in years.''

They talk about nothing for a while, and through the careless laughing and the smell of the cigarettes she could almost forget where she was, if it wasn't for the shivering and pale hands holding cigarettes that were barely thinner than their fingers.

''Oh my god, I totally forgot to tell you guys this but when I was in the shower this morning, the water just stopped running for no reason and the shampoo bottles fell to the ground!'' Jamie exclaims.

Kate frowns, but the other girls gasp and Leslie speaks up.

''You think it was _her?_'' she asks in a smoky voice before taking another drag at her cigarette.

Jamie shrugs.

''What else could it be?''

''What are you talking about?'' Kate asks curiously.

Sam turns to her.

''You sure you want to know?'' she asks with big eyes.

Kate nods. How bad can it be, right? She deals with dead bodies for a living, and like she's told Castle before; she ain't afraid of no ghosts.

'A year ago, a girl died in here. Her name was Nadya, and she'd been hospitalized twice before. She was very tall and skinny- oh so skinny-'' she sighs, ''and this time, she actually was on the right path; no secret exercising in the shower at night, no dumping her food in the plants in the hallways, no not taking her meds, nothing. She was almost at her healthy goal weight, almost free to go, when they found her.''

''Found her?''

''Yes. Dead. In the toilet in the east wing of the building; the one furthest from the door next to that window that you can't open. She was lying on the floor in a puddle of her own vomit. They told them that she died of Boerhaave syndrome, that her esophagus had ruptured, but no one believed that. Nadya had been doing so well, and she'd never been known to puke. There was no cause of death. It was _her._''

''Her?''

''Ana. Mia. Whatever. You can't recover; you can't run away; you can't escape. She'll get you. She'll kill you.''

''And that wasn't the first time it happened,'' Leslie tuned up as she puts out the cigarette on the ground with her foot. ''Before that there was another girl; Hannah. She died in the same bathroom stall, the same way, only a few days before she was allowed to go home. It's not a coincidence.''

The girls all nod and Kate looks down at her chapped nails. There is no way that there is some kind of supernatural excuse for this, but it might be a lead. An important lead.

''Didn't the police investigate?'' she asks, trying not to make it too obvious that she's prying.

''They did, but they didn't take it serious at all. Passed it off as suicide, or at least her own fault,'' Sam replies. ''An accident.''

….

That night, she calls Esposito.

''We have a lead.''

**A/N: short chapter, I know, but hopefully there will be more soon. On another note, though, we're nearing the end of the rehab chapters and she will be returning home soon!**

**Well, anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter (:**

…

**If you have any questions about the story, or want to ask why I haven't been updating, or basically anything that you would normally PM me about, I would greatly appreciate it if you would send me a message on my tumblr instead. I'm asking because I often don't see the messages in my inbox, or only see them weeks after you've sent them. My url is shesmelledlikecherries) **

**(this does not apply to the reviews, I always see those and I'm really grateful for all of them!)**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: This was supposed to be up much earlier and I'm so sorry! I profusely apologize, **_**but**_** I do have a lot of ideas for the next few chapters so if school and life allows it I will hopefully find enough time to post the next update a little bit quicker. **

DAMAGED GOODS

CHAPTER 18

…

''So what exactly did you hear?'' asks Ryan, a focussed frown on his face as he jots something down in his notepad.

''Apparently two other girls died in here, both COD's quite similar to our victim's. Both deaths were dismissed as suicides but the girls in here say they have reason to believe that it wasn't suicide. Apparently they believe it was a ghost or something,-'' she pauses and cocks an eyebrow, ''-but I think there might be a connection here. Seeing as Allison obviously had a connection with this clinic somehow, I say we dig a little deeper into this.''

''So what do we do?'' Esposito asks. He looks strangely nervous, less of this usual, confident self as he stands there looking around the room.

''Find out more about those girls, I only know their first names, I couldn't ask for more without sounding suspicious. I believe it was Nadya and Hannah. Find out what you can about them, let Lanie go over the ME's report and in the mean time also try to clear up what exactly Allison's connection to this place was.''

The boys nod and quickly say their goodbyes. Kate leaves the room not much later, going for a short walk before making her way towards the therapist's office.

….

The therapist's office is on the other side of the building. The waiting room is small and dumb; childish, since it's shared with the children's therapists, and filled with toys, dolls and old, torn up magazines. She even spots one with Castle's smiling face on the cover; quickly grabs it and stuffs it in the bottom of a box with toys. She reminds herself to bring a purse with her next time so she can dispose of it, as she remembers the article, and she knows her name was mentioned in it.

She gets called into the office about ten minutes later by the psychologist; dr. Anderson. She takes her to her office at the end of the hall; a different one from the last time she was there. They sit down in some cheap but soft chair that stand across from each other with a small coffee table in between. There's four of them, but dr. Anderson, or Judy, as she asked Kate to call her, puts them away.

''So, Nicole,'' she starts. ''You look better than when I saw you last, I have to say. We didn't talk about much then, only about your admission and a little bit about who you are as a person but I'd like to know more, if you don't mind.''

Kate nods and chew on her bottom lip. The chair in uncomfortable and the armrests are hard, making it impossible for her to sit comfortably.

''Sure, ask away.'' She forces a smile onto her stiff lips and tries to focus on looking the woman into her eyes without coming across as creepy. Eyes darting across the room aren't a good sign either, she knows.

''Well, why don't you tell me something about yourself? Who do you think you are as a person?''

That is a question that is always hard to answer about yourself, but especially now that she is supposed to portray a character. She hadn't really thought up a back story for Nicole Jones, hadn't gone deeper than a reason for her to be there and the necessary stuff for her to exist, but she knows from experience that therapists go deep and this might be hard to keep up.

''Ok, that's quite a difficult question,'' she nervously chuckles. ''I- uh, my name is Nicole Jones, I am thirty two years old and I uh- I don't know.''

''Yes, it is a tricky question.''

Kate just nods, trying to buy some more time. She decides that at least Nicole's personality can be similar to her own; she'll just have to make up a different backstory and family situation for her. She really shouldn't have dived into this without any preparation at all. Maybe she should have accepted Castle's offer of having him make up a back-story for Nicole Jones at last.

''In my free time I like to read or exercise,'' she eventually shrugs uncomfortably.

Judy nods pensively and writes something down. ''Okay,'' she slowly says. ''Do you think that has anything to do with your eating disorder?''

''What?'' Kate asks, genuinely confused.

''The fact that you like to exercise in your free time; are you sure you _like_ to exercise or do you do it simply because you feel you need to? Is it something you make yourself do? Or do you genuinely enjoy it?''

''I think I genuinely enjoy it?'' Kate re-crosses her legs and fiddles with the bracelet she's wearing around her wrist.

''Okay, I do believe you and it also definitely is possible, but in your file it says you are known for compulsively over exercising and I must tell you that you probably won't be allowed to do any exercising in the first few days or weeks you're here.'' She keeps on talking and talking and talking but Kate drifts off, nods here and there to reassure the woman she is listening as she repeats the same sentence in different ways over and over again as she wonders how Castle and the boys are doing.

''That's fine,'' she says when she realizes the woman's mouth has stopped moving, ''I understand.''

''Continue,'' the woman ushers.

''Um, I like to go out sometimes with my friends. Have a beer,'' she shrugs. The mention of anything with a shitload of carbs in it might be good, too, she figures.

''That's good,'' the therapist notes, appreciatively nodding. ''It's important to keep in touch with friends even when you're struggling and hurting. How about the alcohol? How do you feel about that?''

''In what way?''

''Any way. Just tell me how you feel about it.''

''I guess I don't struggle with liquids as much as I do with food in the first place and alcohol is easier for me to I don't know, explain to myself, if you know what I mean.'' She sighs and starts over, realizing she isn't making sense and that she doesn't even really know where she is going with this herself. ''I mostly drink zero calorie drinks, but I'd rather have a three hundred calorie milkshake than a hundred calorie I-don't-know bag of chips, you know? And given the fact that alcohol makes you looser and makes me feel better about myself in the first place I guess the only time I don't care about what I'm putting into my body is when I'm drinking.''

Judy nods. Kate notes that that's all she seems to do; nod, write and repeatedly say the same things over and over again.

''Would you say you are an alcohol abuser?''

She sucks in a breath as the memories of her father lying in a pool of his own vomit flash by. She shakes her head. ''No. Definitely not.''

Again, Judy nods.

Kate stares at the therapist's bejewelled fingers.

''Then why do you drink?''

''Why am I being asked this question?'' she defensively lets out a humourless laugh. ''Why me and not my friends?'' As she finishes the sentence she is aware she is sounding like a petulant child, and of course she knows the answer but sitting here on this cheap chair her bony butt is starting to hurt and she's hungry and damnit she wants to take a nap.

''I think you know why. I don't know your friends, but I'm going to assume they are healthy. You need to learn why you do what you do so that you can change your bad habits and take the time to learn some new good ones, Nicole.'' Judy's voice is calm and patient; her smile kind and understanding but it only makes Kate want to cry. Yet, she is determined to not ever touch the box of tissues standing on the coffee table that separates the two of them and she stubbornly swallows the feelings.

''Yes,'' she croaks, knowing the woman will not continue her story before hearing some kind of affirmative answer from her.

''So, do you think you can answer my question now?''

''I- You need to understand it's not like I get hammered every Friday night. I mean, I'm not twenty-one anymore, either, and besides it's not like that at all. We just go out for drinks to ce- hang out, have fun, you know? And I guess for me, alcohol makes it easier to forget all those stupid numbers floating around in my head all day long, first of all, and secondly I think it enables me to eat.'' Her voice is low, quiet, as if she is embarrassed and maybe she is, too. ''It does when I'm alone – not that I often drink when I'm alone – but when I'm around others I can't eat. When I'm struggling, I can't get to get one bite down my throat when I'm around my friends.''

''Why do you think that is? Is it because you think it makes you look weak?''

Kate nods, her eyes not meeting the therapist. The session has long stopped being about Nicole; it's all about Kate now. ''Yes,'' she whispers. ''I know they don't think that!'' she adds, ''I mean, they don't even know I have these problems, at least, most of them don't, and- I just- I think it makes me look horrible! Like a freaking pig! I know that's dumb but I can't help it!''

Judy tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear and looks Kate deep into her eyes. ''It's not unusual to feel that way, Nicole. Many patients feel that way and it's very understandable. However the fact that your friends don't know you struggle with eating problems troubles me; usually with these problems we try to solve them by facing your fears by for example having a small snack with your best friend at your own house, and then taking small steps to increase the difficulty of the challenges. But that will be hard if your problem isn't a known fact amongst your friends. How many people do actually know about this?''

''My parents know, and Rick knows,'' she says. At least her undercover persona still had two living parents. As for the rest of her family or friends, they really hadn't come up with anything, so she figured they would just use the boys and Castle for that.

''Rick?''

''He's my…'' her voice falters, ''-boyfriend.''

All for the undercover game, right? She shifts in her chair and lets her gaze wander around the room; upon various posters with motivating, medical and commercial texts on it. There's a bookshelf covering almost the whole right wall of the room, undoubtedly containing self-help books. It's silent for a whole good minute as Judy writes down a whole paragraph of text.

''How is your relationship?''

The question puts her off her game.

''Good?''

''You say that like it's a question,'' Judy remarks.

''Because I don't really get the question or how that would be important or relate to what I'm here for.'' Kate replies. She's aware it might sound a bit mean and she wishes she could take it back, not wanting the woman to think she's unlikable.

''Well, often patients are unable to maintain healthy or good relationships, especially romantic and or sexual ones. That's why I'm asking.''

''Oh. No, we're good. Great.'' Kate nods, a serious, awkward expression on her face.

''Alright. Do you live together?''

Do they? Nicole and Rick, do they live together? How long have they been together? Are they in love? Do they want to get married? Do they like to go on dates to the movie theatre or to the park? A thousand questions are suddenly running through her mind, and the thing that surprises her is that it makes her feel uncomfortable. Somehow she doesn't picture Nicole as herself but as a blonde woman with red lipstick and red leather boots and a luminous smile, taking Castle's hand as they ride the elevator together.

''Nicole?''

''Oh, yes. I'm sorry. Uh no, we don't live together.''

Judy stays silent, writes some final notes and then looks up at Kate with a definitive smile that already tells Kate the session is over.

''Alright, I think that's enough for today. For our next session I would like you to bring a person that you trust and that knows about your eating problem, obviously, and I would like to have a session with the both of you. So I think it would be best if that would be your boyfriend, but it could also be one of your parents if you are more comfortable with that. You get to choose.''

Kate nods. ''Sure.''

Judy gets up and Kate mirrors the woman. They shake hands; Kate suddenly self-conscious about her sticky, cold hand.

''See you tomorrow.''

''Bye.''

…

When she makes her way down the hallway, she almost bumps into Megan, who's half-dancing down the hall with her eyes closed and her headphones on.

''Oh, hey Nicole! You coming from Judy?''

Kate nods and smiles. ''Yeah.''

''Freaking bitch,'' Megan shakes her head disapprovingly as she glances over at the therapists office at the other end of the hall.

Kate frowns. There was honestly nothing about the woman that would make her seems worthy of that title to her.

Megan seemed to sense Kate's confusion, because she started to explain. ''Every time I'm almost ready to go leave this damn place, _she_ is the one who keeps me here. Thing is, I'm like twice as fat as those skinny bitches that leave this place every damn day and yet they keep me here like I'm a damn criminal! Just because my heart rate doesn't do what they want or my blood levels aren't perfect. Jesus. I mean, come on.''

She doesn't know what to say to that, so she just tries to look as if she understands her.

''Well, anyway,'' Megan says, ''I have to go, art therapy; gonna paint some fat naked people!''

She walks off laughing, headphones on.

…

**A/N: If the therapist session comes off as a terrible clichéd ''tell me how you feel about this and that'' ''this is good and how do you think you could improve that'' type of thing, don't blame me, blame my therapist, ahaha. This is about how my first session with her went (fun fact, her name is Nicole. It's very confusing). **


End file.
